I Can’t Stand It Any Longer
I’ve tried promoting my business via this Twitter and I don’t think I’ll be able to take it much longer. I spent a good amount of money coming up with the right slogan for my business. “We want to put our meat in your mouth” was the winner out of some 15 or 16 that made the cut. Among them: “Steak so thick and juicy you’d marry it” and “Our award winning chops, steaks and ribs are talking to you right now.” I went with “We want to put our meat in your mouth” because it was the direct message, the clear and concise message. It was only after I’d gotten home and was fixing myself a drinkl that I got the call from Terry Hoban who said “Blow jobs. We forgot the whole blow job angle.” I recall my glass and ice hitting the tiled pool bar floor I was standing in but I recovered very quickly. “Don’t touch it,” I said. Don’t go near it. We take the high road.” Well, some 15 years later the slogan survives but not without idiots still looking to put a big, brown stain on it.
And so comes Twitter and the predictable clods peppering me with “tweets” about meat, my mouth, their mouths, their meat, my meat…you get the picture. Ted’s Of Beverly Hills becomes the slobber poster child and the image is perpetuated by Twitter.
Who do I blame? Well I don’t blame myself. That’s simply a matter of policy. I could blame Phil Hendrie, who hosts our segment on his show. He has about as juvenile an audience as I’ve ever seen. The only one worse was when I used to do the odd shot on Tom Joyner. I could blame Marcy, my wife, who looked at me from over the edges of her sunglasses when I came home with the campaign then began undressing right there in the back yard. She simply could have said “Oh, you want me to blank your blank? Why didn’t you say so” and I would have explained. But when your wife’s got what my wife’s got and she starts taking her clothes off, even if you’re standing in the foyer of an orphanage, God help me, you don’t stop her.
Today Ted’s continues to slide its delicious meat into any willing mouth. But the price I’ve had to pay…people walking up to me on the street and saying “Say Ted, you wanna put your meat in my mouth?”…is one that brings to mind the actor Ned Beatty and the shit storm he’s weathered for 40 years all because he…………………………………………….squealed like a pig.
I’m Ted Bell