Hour One:Bud opens the show to tell Phil he heard a rumor that Phil sexually assaulted Annette Funicello in her wheel chair. Phil loses it and beats up Bud. David G. Hall orders Phil out of the studio and proceeds to introduce 3 substitute hosts: Lloyd. Mavis and Jay Santos.....Bud retracts his statement and says he was mistaken. It wasn't Annette Funicello. It was Corky from "Life Goes On." Phil beats him again. David tries to carry the show and fails. He gets Phil back on. Bud says it wasn't Phil anyway. It was Jim Rome.Hour Two: Steve Bosell contemplates suing Dr. Phil McGraw for encouraging openness in a marriage. Steve decides to open up his inner most sexual fantasies to April. One of them is his desire to stub out a lit Camel on her rear-end.Hour Three:Phil talks about Fillmore Middle not getting picked up....talks about "War of the Worlds" by Orson Welles not being a hoax.....Bob Greene of Frazier foods comes on to talk about a new promotion for charity: He'll dance at bachelorette parties wearing a blue suit and wing tips.

Hour 1: Jay Santos of the Citizens Auxiliary Police came on to talk about how tough it is to enforce the drug laws pertaining to methamphetamine since the only people that use it "are white people...and there's a little hitch" of sadness in his step, says Jay, when he has to approach a white motorist. Jay then grabs a handful of hair and pulls the motorists head back to shine a flashlight up their nose to see if there's any "sprinkling of meth around the nostril portions."Hour 2: Mr. Greene plans to sue the black members of Congress for slave reparations owed to his family... who lost money when they had to free their slaves.Hour 3: Pastor Rennick knows that kids are going to have sex…so he wants to encourage “alternative” forms of it that won’t cause unwanted pregnancies.

Hour One:RC Collins comes on to say that as a young cadet at a military Academy, he has the right to partake in one of the military's greatest traditions: Going to the Donkey Show in Tijuana. It's something the Marines at Pendleton and the Navy seamen in San Diego have been doing for years so why can't he.Hour Two:Love Songs with Bob features love song dedications from NAMBLA members to their.....well anyway, Bob keeps playing the song "I Believe In Miracles" by Hot Chocolate. Whatever. Then Pastor William Rennick and his wife Miss Clara call in as the tune "I Believe In Miracles" is playing and the good Pastor does the Running Man, Cabbage Patch, Watusi, Mashed Potatoes and the Sprinkler as Clara does commentary. Rudy Canosa, owner of J'tiem Lingerie has a problem. Rudy, of the Argentinean love call "La-La-La," tells Phil a Muslim woman came into his shop and he was only having fun when he said to her, "Do you believe in Al-La-La-Lah?" Margaret Grey says that Robert Blake being found not guilty of killing his wife will only encourage guys like David Arquette ("a real screwball") and Brad Pitt to kill theirs. James Lipton of the Actors Studio interviews Leatherface. And then Leatherface chainsaws Lipton and takes over as host of the show. His first guest is Mickey Rourke. And he chainsaws Mickey Rourke. And then David G. Hall calls, interrupts the bit, and screams at Phil for milking it and not having any punch line. Phil says he does and all he ends up doing is having Leatherface chainsaw someone else. David is right.Hour Three:Jay Santos of the Citizens Auxiliary Police believes Easter only scares kids who aren't raised in Christian homes because its all about "some guy coming back from a dirt nap." He will be monitoring conversations in restaurants and if he hears "any of this Jesus zombie talk" he'll ask people to stop. It turns out jay is an atheist and his agenda is fairly obvious. Not that the callers get it.

Hour One:The show opened with the actual 9-11 call from the Kodak Theater that alerted paramedics to the fact that Sean Penn had a pole parked up his b-u-t-t-o-c-k-s. David G. Hall then asked Phil why he would tell the LA audience his schedule should the game be pre-empted for the Lakers when his LA audience couldn't hear him...because the Lakers are playing. Then we played a listener flashback request for the Bob Green bit where he wouldn't sell corn on the cob to people with "jacked up" teeth because it was sickening to look at the corn wedged in their teeth. Phil read some e-mail and then came Bud's Radical NASCAR Accidents from Sunday's Auto Club 500 in Fontana, Ca where, Bud claims, a leg was on the track, some guy got pinned and burned up and then Godzilla came out of the infield and the crowd fled the grandstands. Pastor William Rennick came on and talked about how he thinks Chris Rock was set up to fail as host of the Academy Awards by "those same people that wouldn't nominate the Passion of the Jesus....and you know who I'm talking about, Phil."Hour Two:Jay Santos of the Citizens Auxiliary Police came on to talk about how tough it is to enforce the drug laws pertaining to methamphetamine since the only people that use it "are white people...and there's a little hitch" of sadness in his step, says Jay, when he has to approach a white motorist. Jay then grabs a handful of hair and pulls the motorists head back to shine a flashlight up their nose to see if there's any "sprinkling of meth around the nostril portions."Hour Three:Raj has a theory that natural born Americans couldn’t pass their own countries citizenship test…but they are very knowledgeable when it comes to fast food.

Hour One:Jay Santos and his Citizens Auxiliary Police sub commanders are going to go into hotel restaurants and interview couples to see if they are married. If they are they can check into the hotel. If they are not...well...as Jay says "we've got a situation." Earl pants Car Talk featured Earl complaining that he needed Viagra after seeing how his girlfriend looked longingly at some dudes new Mercedes SLR McLaren while she sat in what Earl thought was a pretty hot car, his Camaro. Father James McQuarters came on and talked about what a traitor Corey Feldman is to Michael Jackson and then Phil rapped about Maria being up at Pebble Beach interviewing celebs at the AT&T Pro-Am.Hour Two:Chris Norton, a good-looking young telemarketer from Redondo Beach was on to comment on the recent female teacher/male underage student sexual scandals that have been prominent in the news. His take was its all the kids fault since these old ladies can't resist a young hunk...at least that's how it was for Chris and his 8th grade teacher, Mrs. Gladway, who took one look at how "evident" Chris was in his slacks and was on him. Our listener flashback was the classic Sylvia/David bit where caller Sylvia tells our own David G. Hall she is going to taker her high heel off and jam it in his eye. Then the Comb-Over Boy show featured 'Boy explaining the high comedy art of the "How you doing Tom?/Do you care" exchange.Hour Three:Our last hour kicked off with Love Songs and Bob telling everyone who doesn't have a date this Valentines Day that they are losers. he takes calls from people and suggest ways they can "pop their corks." Kenny Rogers comes on and does another "Holiday" special, this one for Valentines Day featuring the same unending laundry list of D grade TV stars like Vicki Lawrence and Cheryl Ladd. On Harvey Weirman's Senior Chat, Harvey's guest is Paul Rogers, who has written the book "Stuck Accelerator: The Conspiracy Against Seniors." Paul explains that all seniors know the brake is on the right and the accelerator on the left but Detroit lies to them and tells them its the other way around. David G. hall comes on and makes Phil read off the call letters of all of his affiliates since he's been going on and on about his move to Extra Sports AM570, KLAC. Did we mention that Phil is moving, February 21st to Extra Sports AM 570? Gene Klein, professional ass kisser winds up the show with his advice on kissing the bosses ass. Example: Any joke that starts out with "...there was this hair lip, see...." is a sure winner.