A NOTE FROM PHIL
Jay’s is another voice I pulled from my radio listening. There used to be a caller to weekend shows at KFI with a sing-song Pennsylvania/Baltimore accent. Again I got a very clear picture of one of these wannabe authority types, someone used to giving orders to underlings in a very menial setting. In the early 70’s, a movie called Sugarland Express featured a scene with a bunch of gun-toting, truck driving self-appointed militia types who even had fake blue lights mounted on their mini trucks. I put that together with a news story from 1990 during the buildup to the Gulf War. A group of men had entered the CB base at Port Hueneme and were drilling in a military manner. When the military police approached them they said they were members of the “US Army Auxiliary.” From all of that weirdness and the guys western Pennsylvania/Bal’more’ accent I came up with Jay and the Citizens Auxiliary Police. Jay, a ‘Brigadier Admital’ is subservient only to “Major” Elvis Newton, the founder. As a kid I remember there being at least one elderly person on the street that would sit in semi-darkness with a tv going and a filterless Pall Mall cigarette lit in an ashtray, a small dog in their lap with weird knick knacks on cheap end tables and mustard colored shag carpeting. Well that was what came to mind when I thought of Major Newton. The entire vibe for me was a neighborhood association run amuck.
- Details In his 30’s, thick Baltimore/Western Pennsylvania accent, married, with a son.
- The Uniform Wearing pith helmets, blue armbands, Bermuda shorts, wing tips with black socks, the CAP is led by Jay on various, dubious and extra legal activities.
- Work Employed as a security guard by something called the Johnson Beverage Company but spends most of his time running around with a bunch of guys who call themselves the Citizens Auxiliary Police — what started as a neighborhood watch but has since grown into a de facto self-appointed police unit with such ranks as sub commander, commander, rear colonel and Jays rank, brigadier admiral.
- A Hero’s Code Despite the constant influx of mockery, Jay and his men push on to do important things like: check the shopping bags of teenage girls to make sure there’s no thong underwear… or eavesdrop on private conversations… or pull fat women out of cars and use road flares to redirect and impede traffic.
- HQ Their substation is anyone’s house whose wife isn’t home and their vehicles are the cars their wives don’t need.
- Favorite Lines “We’re about saving lives” or “We’re on the front lines of law enforcement,” swallowing all the L’s
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