
…Beginning tonight at 9:15pmPDT PhilTV, 10:00pmPDT Radio….
…Beginning tonight at 9:15pmPDT PhilTV, 10:00pmPDT Radio….
My problem with show business originates with the way show business depicts itself on film.
On Monday morning I was hanging in a fifth-floor hallway in a building the size of the USS Nimitz on the Fox lot in West L.A. waiting for something called a table read to begin.
Specifically, the read (around a table, get it?) was of a production script titled “Bed Races” for a proposed cartoon series based on the justifiably huge indie hit “Napoleon Dynamite.” By justifiably I mean that I loved this big-hearted and hilarious Jared and Jerusha Hess collaboration that seemed to spring – like its otherworldly main character, Napoleon Dynamite – from the film’s location in the vividly surreal soil of Preston, Idaho.
Since my then-high school daughter Rachael brought the DVD home back in 2004 I’ve argued its sweet and offbeat message with a number of humor-abated folks who thought the film was insulting to people with special needs. And that might be true if the characters were special needs instead of what they were – quirky, needy and lost in a world mined with rules that nobody ever bothered to write down.
The movie – which grossed something like $44.5 million on a budget of about 48 cents – had me with the opening lines.
Kid on school bus: “What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?”
Napoleon: “Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!”
And could Karl Rove have bested Napoleon’s advice to friend Pedro as he ran for class
president, “Just tell them that their wildest dreams will come true if they vote for you.”
But the best line of all was delivered by actor Jon Heder’s Napoleon, “… nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.”
Who among us wasn’t transformed by that single observation? And who, for that matter, doesn’t expect a reading performed by the movie’s entire original cast to include some of the stuff movies and TV shows – the ones that are about the making of movies and TV shows – have conditioned us to expect?
In that respect, the Fox lot is one huge disappointment. No cameras being wheeled between sound stages, no feathered showgirls, cowboys or aliens waiting for calls. Just modernist buildings and a long corridor that could have been an insurance office. Or worse, a newspaper office, only better because (unlike newspapers) show business always seems to throw in a nice buffet.
And the people, I love the people – the writers and producers, actors and such. They are a bright-eyed bunch with the quick humor and everyone dressed like they are on their way to a swap meet. Why is it I expected producers like Mike Scully and writer/producer Tom Gammill (both of “The Simpsons”) and the others to appear in Burt Bacarach- casual cashmere?
Present was Heder, Aaron Ruell (Kip), Tina Majorino (Deb), John Gries (Uncle Rico), Efren Ramirez (Pedro), Sandy Martin (Grandma), Haylie Duff (Summer) and an assortment of other voices that include radio personality Phil Hendrie.
They all, these people whom we think we know but actually don’t know at all, occupied one side of the long table looking out at two rows of chairs.
The first row was filled with Fox executives, people who did not resemble in the least either Gloria Swanson or Cecil B. DeMille in that about-movies movie “Sunset Boulevard.” In the second row, backed by a tremendous view of the hills of Beverly, sat people who were far more important than me.
I was sitting behind the actors with the small children of people who know people. This gave me a great view of the 6-inch, cutout characters placed in front of each actor, showing them the way they will appear when their voices are dubbed into the half-hour cartoon show set to start airing in January.
Did I mention that my daughter Rachael, the one who long ago introduced me to this very film, is the show’s production coordinator? A show, and this I say as a completely objective reporter, that I hope the network picks up because, one, it is truly funny and, two, because I want my daughter to stay employed.
She was my main reason for being there, and it was fantastic, if not surprising in the least, to see her moving in that world with such ease. It’s a gift, that blend of easy familiarity and intensity, and it only cost me half my life and a few hundred thousand dollars. But it was worth it.
Rachael introduced me to Heder, who, in person, is tall, good looking and does not much resemble the Napoleon of years past.
Rachael: “John, would you like to meet my father?”
Heder: “I guess I would … when he gets here.”
I liked the guy immediately.
Then they got down to a table-read of the 46-page script that took 29 minutes and change. But I have no idea where they will cut a hilarious script that includes a dream where Napoleon – wracked with guilt over cheating grandma out of a bed race win – is accosted by a trio of inanimate objects demanding that he tell the truth.
A pillow jumps onto Napoleon’s face and starts to smother him. “Get off, pillow!” Heder screams in his Napoleon voice.
“Stop it. You’re going too far!” demands a paper napkin dispenser read by actor Phil LaMarr.
“Yeah, you said there’d be no killing!” yells the dragon figurine played by Diedrich Bader, who also appears in the TV show “Outsourced.”
But what amazed me is the same thing that always amazes me when people unfurl their talent, when they stop being who they are and start being other people completely. It’s true even here around a semi-formal table where lines are pried off the flat page and made to stand up, where they are given life in an ancient process that could only have been made better by a few passing showgirls and maybe a director in jodhpurs. You know, show business.
I want to hear your comments. Connect with me at [email protected].
John Bogert’s column appears on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays.
The program kicked off with Jay Santos of the Citizens Auxiliary Police telling Phil that his new security officers service offers a new kind a security guard, an individual who can pretend he’s demented so he scares not only outside intruders but also any of your employees who happen to be stealing office equipment. One of his subcommanders, Randy Gleason, can even do the laugh of a deranged man playing with a hamster. “Phil I think we know from the many horror movies we’ve seen, the guy who is emotional unstable can tear your arms off,” said Officer Santos.Randy Gleason, CAP subcommander pretending he’s nuts
The following hour General Gaylen Shaw guested with Phil to defend talk show host Ed Schultz who called fellow host Laura Ingraham a “talk slut.” While General Shaw, a fellow liberal, condemned what Ed said he also couldn’t quite bring himself to entirely repudiate it. “How do we know she isn’t a slut,” said Shaw, “even though I don’t like calling her one?”
Quentin Barrett
First hour tonight was Vernon Dozier and Justin McElroy talking about how Justin’s desire to be on American Idol may necessitate him taking a boyfriend and using a skin moisturizer. Vernon for his part says he can “readjust these kids.”
Second hour Bob Green was on attempting to explain that no matter how hot your daughter is don’t succumb to the temptation. Bob didn’t. Every day told himself, “I better not, I better not, I better not…” Hour wasn’t bad until crap audio once again send Phil around the bend
Starting the show was Bobbie Dooley having heart palpitations and wearing a heart monitor ever since a couple from her gated community talked about their son being signed to a minor league deal by the New York Yankees at a recent HOA meeting. That stole Bobbie’s thunder big time because she was going to use that same meeting to mention her son Dylan would be attending a tennis academy to the tune of $40,000. When she did get around to announcing it, Bobbie said Steve “broke wind loudly” to emphasize just how quiet it got.
The next hour Pastor William Rennick made an appearance to speak on behalf of “a good man, Reverand Harold Camping” who Pastor Rennick believes was cheated a bit by God. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to turn my back on God again for fear of what he might do,” said Rennick. The Pastor then ended the hour playing a song that symbolized what God had done to Camping, “Everybody Loves A Clown.”