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Jay Santos, Citizens Auxiliary Police

The Citizens Auxiliary Police was founded in 1996 by a Major Elvis Newton in Torrance, California. Newton, himself a shadowy figure with some past military association, is said to have handed down his idea for an aggressive civilian police auxiliary to Jay Santos, a neighbor, while sitting in a darkened living room, chain smoking Pall Malls. Organized loosely arouind the rank and leadership structure of The Federation of Planets, a ficticious entity from televisions ‘Star Trek’ series, the CAP says its mission is to “take a peek over the shoulder of the police.” They view themselves as being “on the front lines of law enforcement” though they take they’re only real authority from the legal concept of “citizens arrest.” They’re “official” uniform is a pith or safari helmet, a blue arm-band, bermuda shorts and wing-tips with knee socks. Among their various ranks are SubCommander, Brigadier Admiral (Jay’s rank which seems to be second in command for the entire CAP) and the leaders rank of Major, held by Elvis Newton who hasn’t been seen in public for many years. The CAP apparently has sister organizations throughout the United States. These include the Gator Brigade (Florida) The Beaver Battalion or Beave Battalion (Oregon) West Texas Range Riders (Texas)  and the New York State Simulated Police (New York) For a listener’s idea of what Jay looks like, please see the caricature accompanying this article.

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Bobbie Dooley

Roberta Debra Dooley AKA Bobbie Debbi Dooley or Bobbie Debbi Newley Dooley (Her mother’s maiden name: Julia Lillith Newley or Julie Lilly Newley) is a woman living in Western Estates, California with her husband Steve and her sons Seth, Dylan and Justin. Bobbie is the president of the Western Estates Homeowners Association and the Western Estates Parent Teacher Organization. Steve is the owner of a “wildly successful landscaping business” named Dooley Landscaping. The boys attend Western Estates Middle School and Western Estates High School. Bobbie is a woman in her late thirties with the cougar-esque body that includes state of the art, double B breasts. As far as her face goes, see above. She is far more involved in the lives of her neighbors than she probably has any, real legal right to be. She tells them when to have and not have abortions, when to use and not use air-conditioning, when they’re elderly relatives are allowed to visit and who’s children are overweight and thus not allowed out in daylight. Ms. Dooley has admitted to giving out blow-jobs like flyers in the Koo-Ka-Roo parking lot just to “get guys to stop bothering me.” While statistics are sketchy at best it can be reliably assumed Ms. Dooley and her husband (not to mention her sons on a good night) have been respionsible for several deaths.

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Ted Bell dealing with a cancer kid……

The owner/operator of Ted’s Of Beverly Hills is continually at odds with himself: Does he let kids who suffer from cancer sit in his Laker courtside seats thus risking being seen with little, bald freaks or does he just renege on his promise. Either way, Ted’s still an asshole. But an asshole we can appreciate because it’s all about the only thing thing Ted knows. PR. Ted believes…and who can argue….that anything in this world can be dealt with if you’ve got good enough spin. …..So, saying it’s embarrassing sitting next to a child who has lost hair due to chemo makes sense to Ted. Additionally, those of you familiar with recent shows know that Ted won’t be seen next to what he calls “rolly-polly” (since he won’t use the politically incorrect ‘fat’) kids. As Adam Carolla put it on a recent show, if TV adds ten pounds what do you figure a Jumbo-tron adds? And to a fat kid, no less?? Ted has an image to keep up. He’s….(pause, pause, pause)……Ted Bell…

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27, Mar 03, 2010

So far most people are having no problem accessing the new site but we’ve had some glitches and we are working on them and clearing them up. Some folks let their subscription lapse and forgot about it and others had a hard time finding the log in or sign up page. No problem. We’re happy to

help with anything. www.philhendrieshow.com