Category: Phil Pheed

It’s Pastor William Rennick, starring in “Smoldering Baby Jesus” from December 2001

I’m Vernon Dozier and I know many of you know who I am. Do you know what is in that picture down there? You don’t? That’s called a c-u-….It’s called a you know what. It’s called a c-word, is what it’s called. It’s also my mother-in-law, Debbie Dockton.

                           Oh, Jesus.

I married her daughter Stephanie when Stephanie had just graduated BelMar, where I teach. She was 18. Not 17. Not 16. She was 18 and the last I checked that’s legal in the sovereign state of California so that thing in the picture can shut the clean-out under it’s nose. But it doesn’t. Let me tell you what a cun….God, I wish I could say it. Let me tell you what a c-u-n-(and the next letter rhymes with “P”) is. It’s a woman that starts a problem when no problem needed to be started. When everything was fine, nice and calm, it walked into the house and gave you that look. When everyone was getting along, it decided it would open old wounds. See, the C thinks it’s ‘clearing up old business,” “getting to it,” “not hiding from the truth.” But a C never does get to the truth. Under the guise of wanting to get to the truth the C just wants to see you bleed from the eyes again. It wants to go over and over and over the night…oh I don’t know…let’s say the night it’s daughter graduated from high school and the worst man in the world, the guy it calls “Pervernon” because that word helps make it laugh and keeps the muscles in its face from atrophy, grabbed Stephanie from the stage and took off. About 20 minutes later, when it was driving home with the long suffering, stooped and beaten chew-toy it calls a husband, it spotted my truck parked at cabin 4, Blue Moon Motel. My mother-in-law took this picture of my truck parked, cabin 4..

Oh my God let’s have a coronary. It’s a wedding night. But ever since that night, I’ve had to listen to it. Typical night. Phone rings. Me: “Hello” The C: “Oh, hi Pervernon. Can I talk to OFS?” “OFS” stands for “operation: field slut.” So, I’m a pervert but it’s own daughter is a field slut because it married…or I mean she married me. There’s a 31 year age difference. So what? What if I married the C instead? She’s closer to my age. Why not? Well, I would have but Debbie…that’s my mother in law, the C…Debbie, instead of being OFS is OTA and that interferes with setting up OPT. There, try figuring that out, C-Word!

Glossary

OFA–Operation: Trucked Face

OPP–Operation: Poontang

I wanna ask one other question. What is this “Float On” bullshit. What the living hell?

Raj Feneen, attending a dinner for Arab journalists, tells Phil he liked Obama endorsing the Ground Zero mosque but it wasn’t much of an endorsement. He was pleased but not too pleased. He feels Obama really needs to “come to the table on this. I mean I live in DC,” says Raj. “And I can’t deliver a guy from my own neighborhood?” Raj says that people are crying about this mosque being built and yet Americans get to put up all the Popeye’s and Fatburgers they want and no one says squat. Next up Steve Bosell’s “comedy act” for a parents talent show at his daughters school goes horribly awry when Steve’s joke about Obama swimming in the Gulf and no one noticing he’s covered in oil stiffed and he was asked to leave the stage by the school’s principal. As usual, Steve’s feelings are hurt and he threatens a two million dollar lawsuit as he plugs his “Steve Bosell $3 A Minute Joke-Line.”

Stream on video

…reminds me of Miami days…probably why I like it!

Your Name: edward ortiz
Subject: Death of Milton Berle
Message: Hey Phil I’ve asked you this before.. do you have the clip with BOB GREEN TALKING ABOUT the death of Milton Berle and the fact that he is BIG like Milton Berle?

Thanks,
Ed

(I couldn’t readily find this on the search engine. I wonder if it’s 2001 and is still being processed? PH)

Your Name: Philo Drummond
Subject: An Old Show
Message: Hi Phil — I’m a long time fan, fianlly got my BSP. Where can I find that one show you did a few year’s back where you did the bit about the Arab guy living in America who was pissed off because his son didn’t want to become a jihadist and he blamed UCLA for tempting his son with a basketball scholarship. The Arag guy kept yelling “It’s Bullcrap”! I’d love to hear that one again. That was pure classic Phil. You’re a genius.

Your Name: jay
Subject: the demons protest.
Message: phil,

the team is a tribute to the -Screamin’ Demons- fighter group of ww2.

the pastor can suck it.

go america!

jay out.