Category: Phil Pheed

 “We must go on! We have to go on!”

The astronauts are searching this planet for whatever life there is. They see just enough weird shit including a giant spaceship with what looks like a giant elephant/human at the controls to think there is. The giant elephant thing has been dead so long its bones are petrified. Anyway, they’re out walking and getting freaked out and someone says “Let’s go back” because they’re getting scared but Kane says “We must go on! We have to go on!” And what does he get for his adventurous spirit? He’s the one who gets his face clamped and sucked by the Alien egg and then the Alien baby comes tearing out of his stomach during dinner. That’s what he gets for his trouble.

“Rawhide” starring Eric Flemming and Clint Eastwood (that’s right. I was an Eastwood fan before any of y’all)

“Route 66” starring Martin Milner

“Sheriff of Cochise” starring John Bromfield

“M Squad” starring Lee Marvin

“The Lawless Years” starring James Gregory

We all remember the “Eggplant” scene in ‘True Romance.’ It was one of those moments in cinema history. You were laughing and recoiling. It was funny and it hurt. Dennis Hopper, moments from death, baits Christopher Walken’s character, who’s about to kill him, by saying “n*****” and Italians are related. He calls Walken an “eggplant.” Boom! No more Hopper. But the fact is it’s an interesting point, however offensively delivered. Interesting not because it may or may not be true but because it always gets a reaction from Italians. It bothers them, the idea their ancestors are descended from northward migrating Africans. Ask yourself this: How many Italians do you know that voted for Obama?

What I gotta look at on the MLB Network…..

On a side note, Time Warner carries the Major League Baseball Network, not the NFL Network. Why? I’ll tell you why. Because they’re miserable their mothers are out working the streets at 1am and so they decide to make me miserable. It gives them a thrill. They are too cheap and their business too shoddy to carry the NFL Network so they pour salt into the wound with the MLB Network. The MLB Network is not so bad but when I see it, all it does is remind me there’s no NFL Network and that fills me with rage and hate and I start cutting myself with a razor.

Dave Oliva, an aspiring police officer, came on the show tonight to offer the opinion that cops are too dumb to enforce the Arizona immigration law…they’ll be thrown off by “seasonal tanning” and won’t know the difference between a Mexican and a Russian. Plus, LA cops may be good at it but that doesn’t mean the “the Bisbee PD” will be……. Later it’s Dean Wheeler who celebrates the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. He is an enviromentalist and he’s sort of sad the fish are dying but he now has his writing career back and a lot of people who called him “a fruit” are going to have to eat crow.