Can you relate? Bradley Cooper, playing the gay lover of a pro-football player and Julia Roberts, as an American soldier on leave, in ‘Valentines Day‘
…watching “Valentines Day” with Queen whats-her-ass and Jennifer Garner and George Lopez. I’m a gay man and a gay journalist so I recognize an all-star cast right? Well, while it eventually made it’s way to an interesting series of loose-ends getting knotted up, it blew so much hyena at the beginning (no guy gets this excited about Valentines Day, gay or straight, no matter how much Hollywood would will it so and you know I’m gay. Right?) I stopped watching and only heard about how it got better, but not much better, this morning from a friend I was watching it with. A straight freind. See, I’m a gay man and a gay journalist so I automatically stop watching all movies that I recognize as “mind-emptying” machines, a machine the Klingons threatened Captain Kirk and Commander Spock with during one episode of Star Neck. “With our mind emptying machine Capatin, you would be dead and your first officer a hopeless ‘ve-je-taa-bull’.” The mind-emptying machine apparently doesn’t have as serious an effect on Vulcans as it does on humans. Add to Vulcans being tougher against the mind-emptier gays as well. But still the Hollywood Mind-Emptying Machine endeavors to rebuild the world along the lines that some screenwriter would like it so the eventual dumb things the characters do make sense. In “Valentines Day” a straight guy (Ashton Kutcher) owns a flower shop and is all a-titter over whether his girl-friend will say “yes” to his propoasal of marriage and so are all of his employees. So is everyone in the city. The only one who doesn’t know about the impending proposal is the girlfriend. I mean she is really fucking clueless too which is very odd seeing as how she’s dating some panting dog of a man who probably telegraphs his every wistful thought with a hard-on. And as a gay man and a gay journalist I also noticed George Lopez playing this guys truck driver who sees Valentines Day as similar to Christmas, counting down the minutes to the end. and then having to wait aaaallll year for another one. No man thinks this way. No woman thinks this way either. And Lopez was fine playing a truck driver so long as they didn’t make a hispanic character gay. It would make sense to have at least one flower shop employee gay. But they don’t rise to the bait. Why don’t I give them points? Because as a gay man and a gay journalist I readily recognized Brad Coopers character as fag-leaning because he was metro-sexualed up and clueless when the chick flight attendant hit on him. I’m a gay man and a gay journalist, right? Right?! Okay. And then there is also an eight year old boy…eight!…who has such a serious crush on his teacher (Jennifer Garner) that he gets neurotic over the timely purchase and delivery of flowers to her. Because I’m a gay man and a gay journalist and therefore more perceptive and moral than the average person, I’m probably the only person who watched this movie that felt very uncomfortable with the fact the fimmakers sexualized a little kid, making him sappy over a woman 30 years his senior. What is that? And you know I’m gay. The whole movie bit Cleaver, as in Beaver, because it didn’t take the marvelous feast of reality spread before us day in and day out on face value and instead tried to create an alternative universe filled with the aforementioned mung. I gave this turd two gay thumbs way down.
