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A New Ted Bell Blog Is Up: “Terry Abernathy Is Out At The BHAA” BSP Only, Check It Out Lower Right Hand Column

A New Ted Bell Blog Is Up: “Terry Abernathy Is Out At The BHAA” BSP Only, Check It Out Lower Right Hand Column

                  Ted gives one of his coupes a spin

Ted got a Christmas card from a member of the Beverly Hills Automobile Association. It so offended Ted he wants the guy thrown out of the clubt! Click the header to see the card and blog!

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Terry Abernathy Is Out At The BHAA

News release:

Upon recieving the so-called Christmas card below from Terry Abernathy and his wife Ondine (with a note attached saying ‘Hey Ted, fresh blood on it’s way for the BHAA!’)

Terry Abernathy with his wife Ondine. Does the Earth God have his way with Terry over a boulder in a quiet wooded glen?

I called Dave Woncott and Porter Jones and told them I wanted Abernathy out of the Beverly Hills Automobile Association. And I wanted him out now! I showed them the card and attached note and they both laughed. I then said to them, okay, I want you guys out with him, to which they replied ‘not gonna happen.’ I then got a lecture….a lecture, mind you…from Dave about diversity and accepting the other guy and it’s 2011 and what’s up my ass and on and on.

I said to Dave I resented being badgered about not referring to Porter as his half-brother. Dave said to me that Porter was his half-brother and he wasn’t ashamed of it. I said to Dave, that’s fine but only a plywood shelter in a no-mans hell filled with pig squeals would be suitable as the BHAA headquarters if word got out. He then laughed again, derisively. I waved Abernathy’s Christmas card in his face. He’d have none of it. Porter, the half-brother stood there grinning. Then Dave jumps up with this one. “You don’t make a move without me! I have a coalition of members that want YOU out Bell..they’re tired of your BMW’s, all 20 of them!” Well, that’s when I became all ice. Know what I mean? I simply told him to sit down. I told his HALF-BROTHER Porter to sit his ass down too. All I said were 3 or 4 little words:

“I’m Ted Bell.”

Dave got real quiet and Porter dipped his head…real low, almost like (and please forgive me for saying this but it was extreme) almost like he was trying to give himself a….a blow job. They then got up and slowly trudged out of my office. I called for Oscar to valet their cars to a spot across the street. I couldn’t stand the sight of them and I couldn’t stand seeing them get into their cars at MY valet stand. I then left this message on Dave’s phone: “You ever come in here again trying to tell me how to run my business and I’ll kick your butt so far up between your shoulders that…..you know…” Words failed me. I started again.”That your head will look like it already does…a butt..only it will be worse because it’ll be a real butt and not just….” I hung up, disguisted that Dave’s feeble challenge had thrown me off. But at least I knew I hadn’t taken a picture of myself and my wife with me looking like the Earth God himself bends me over a rock in a wooded glen nightly and goes to town. Wow.

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My Family Christmas Letter!

Steve’s brother Shay and his wife Bianca at home in Wisconsin

It’s that time of year again. A time for giving and expressing the love you have at this festive time of the season. It’s time to reach out to family, no matter how far away in space or in dimension or mental state. We are grateful for the family that we will, yet again, gather around us come Christmas Day. We just got this wonderful card from Steve’s brother Shay and his wife Bianca and their three kids, Mikka, Candee and Belle. I really am looking forward to having them for two weeks at Christmas. Steve’s parents, who used to make it out as well every Christmas, won’t be here this year. We grieve their not being here but are happy they are alive. They are getting on in years and being around civilized human beings is more difficult for them when they break wind, belch and behave for all the world like barroom louts. I’m sorry but that’s the truth. Every year I try and pretend like it’s not true. But as they might be dead this time next year it’s time I shoved a few things out onto the table. Sure hope springs eternal. But I know the freak show is on it’s way. Because even though Cord and Melasia, Steve’s parents, won’t be here, Steve’s brother Shay and sister-in-law Bianca and the three whatever’s will be. You talk about five freaks on wheels take a good long look at the jack-ass-ian Christmas card they sent. You ever seen anything more gothically wrong than that? Shay and Bianca are in the foreground in color and the children, people most families celebrate, are black and white spirits hovering in the background, sacrificial lambs to their parents  narcissism, mere props to the technicolor wonder that is Mommy and Daddy. And, not for nothing, but don’t you think if you were going to make yourself the star of the Museum of Natural History Exhibit you’d work on your looks a little. Bianca is just flat ugly. Oh my God is she ugly. And Shay is a frightening meat head. How in God’s name they wound up with even more money than us I’ll never figure. Never. You know what, forget this.

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From Huffington Post: Weird Christmas Family Photo From The mayor Of San Juan. Click for more..

From Huffington Post: Weird Christmas Family Photo From The mayor Of San Juan. Click for more..

Mayor Jorge Santini of San Juan, Puerto Rico must have something wrong with him or people are just real uncomfortable with semi-strange shit. Either way, the mayor and family have creeped a few people out with this admittedly different Christmas card. Is that a leopard killing a deer? It seems so. However, the Phil Hendrie Show has no problem with it. Most family photos at Christmas blow deer. Here’s one getting killed. I mean it’s stuffed so whatev… Thanks Amanda Green for the story..

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Sandusky needs to tell kids to get lost more often, tell them to go play on the freeway…Show Log For Tuesday December 13, 2011

We had Brad Rivkind on tonight from the Rivkind Advertising Agency with ideas on how Jerry Sandusky can rehabilitate his image. Brad thinks Sandusky needs to stop interacting with kids but still have coffee at Chuck E. Cheese. He also needs to tell kids to get lost more often, tell them to go play on the freeway and other such phrases to show he’s more like other adults….

                   “Go play on the freeway, kid”

Dave Oliva told Phil that when he becomes an LAPD police officer he will have to respond to any calls having to do with someone’s freedom of speech being infringed. The recent story invoving a Chicago TV news anchor announcing on-air that Santa Claus doesn’t exist is a good example. That woman had to apologize on the air the next day. Dave said he would have defended her right to say there’s no Santa Claus. “Telling kids there’s a Santa Claus is very much like, if you think about it, molestation of a kids mind. In many ways it’s like taking a mental hand and put it into the mental pants.”