The show kicks off with a visit from Ted Bell, who feels some people have been making money on his back, i.e. the movie TED, United rebranded as TED, and of course the TED talks. Later Vernon Dozier recaps the disappointing softball season.

It was Ted Bell from Ted's of Beverly Hills telling Phil about firing two food servers who didn't want to have to watch "Jersey Shore" in order for them to be "conversant about the hippest shows with customers." The two women were Italian-American and found the show offensive but Ted says he likes to "relax looking at these duimb (whispered) greaseballs especially since two guys tried to 'put the arm' on my father a few years ago." Clearly Ted's talking about organized crime but he presses on. "Plus, that show has made it okay to say things like (whispered) guinea." Vernon Dozier appeared on the show tonight to tell Boomers they should live "every ounce of their lives" before they even think about leaving a will or an estate plan. Vernon believes that relatives and others after a certain point go from loving you to rubbing their hands together waiting for you to check out. Vernon wants the most out of life and then he'll make out his will. He talked about wanting to go out "sailing down the back stretch of the Daytona 500, getting air and flying off the track becoming a fireball just out of sight. If I have done my will before that, great. If not every penny goes to the state and I dont care. I'll be a flaming ball of energy, basically the Sun."

On tonights show, Dr. Ron Tarner, an astronomer and astrophysicist, tells us that he has been asked by an old friend, Dr. Bob Winslow of the Mountain Meadow School District, to teach a class in sexual abstinence to middle schoolers. Because of budget cuts the school is short of teachers. So Ron agrees and tells the children that the best way to abstain from sex is by masturbating. In speaking with the parents, Ron says he has to "go slow and explain very carefully that you can't make babies from masturbation." Ron feels that as a very educated man he might as well be talking to people in "bonnets from the 17th century who believe that flickering lights caused by swamp gas are actually dancing elves and pixies." Ted Bell joins Phil for a discussion of LeBron James and another "backstabber. Don Voges." Mr. Voges is a former chef who worked for Ted until Don took a job at a Shula Steak House in Memphis so he could be close to the St. Judes Hospital for Children. Don's daughter is sick with Leukemia. Ted however says the guy was "stepping over my body like I'm a passed out drunk in a doorway" on his way to better money the same way Lebron James "stepped over Dan Gilberts body in a doorway." Ted finally says that what James did is like "digging up James Naismiths corpse and playing with his remains by the moonlight."

Ted Bell from Ted's of Beverly Hills is looking to have a tv commercial produced but is worried that his "trademark has been infringed." By watching a local commercial for a barbecue place Ted became attracted to the spokeswoman, a "large gal with a big ass." That goes against everything Ted thinks he represents. He's afraid he's going to want to spend more time at the barbecue place than his own restaurant and eventually produce a tv spot with"the same big assed girls in checkered shirts."    Not the "Bear Pit" although I wish it was RC Collins along with a fellow cadert, only identified as Watson, joined the show to comment on the death of Sage Stallone. RC told Phil that doctors pushing prescription meds illicitly should be reported by "Deepok Choda." Meanwhile Watson kept mumbling about making Micheal Myers, the evil character in the film "Halloween," his "bitch" and was badgering the mess hall staff to make him tater tots.

Margeret Grey was on tonight talking about a parent-student dance at her sons school where she busted out some "Broadway" moves that she used in New York when she was a (struggling, if ever employed) dancer there. She did the 'cat-crawl, a full lay-out, wrapped her leg around a boys waist that she was dancing with and hiked her skirt above her hips. "You've seen the sculpture of David, right? Well my ass could go right along side it." Ted Bell from "Ted's of Beverly Hills" brought up HPV's again (High Performance Vehicles) and the one he owns-A Mercedes McLaren. As a successful businessman who is "going from one end of this city to the other everyday trying to save the country from Obama." Ted feels he, and about 5 of his friends, should be allowed to drive while holding the cell in one hand and the steering wheel in another. "I don't have time to fool around with a blue tooth when there are lives at stake." Besides, Ted tells us, he can steer that Mercedes with one finger. One of the best calls of the last 4 years is in this segment. In our final hour the return of "As You Like To Hear Them" and an interview with "Bill O'Reilly" who tells Phil, sure, he felt bad for the Marine dad and agreed to pay his court costs but the promotional value of doing that was never far from his mind.....

Ted Bell, feeling maligned and taken advantage of, ripped into Phil tonight for calling for some information and not offering to throw in a free commercial for Ted's Of Beverly Hills. Ted then used as his excuse for the meltdown some story about him being blackmailed by a former Army buddy who he claimes he had a gay affair with. Then, after Bud spilled the beans, Ted turned the whole thing on its head and told everyone he was kidding, that he's seen a movie called "Advise and Consent" the night before with a similar plot development. Steve Bosell was brought on the show to tell about the night he went dancing with his male friends, even slow dancing, but was thinking about his wife April all night."From Hell And Gone" or whatever it was called Frank Grey's gender confusion was in overdrive as he talked about Burt Lancaster, Kirk Douglas and his dear friend George Reeves whose scenes in "From Here To Eternity" were cut down considerably. "She was one of a kind and to cut her out of that 'from here to hell and back' or whatever it was a called was a great disservice to her.

Tonight it was writer Jerry Noel with a warning: This generation of college graduate is mentally dead compared to the Chinese. Jerry knows what to do about it but tells Phil that we're too dumb to understand. So we're all screwed......including Jerry. The next hour we had Ted Bell talking about the fact that even though we're in a recession, the American people are getting fatter. Ted can only draw one conclusion: We aren't hurting all that much for money and we choose to spend the extra that we do have on food that we eat at home. Why not at a restaurant? Ted asks passers-by that are overweight why they're fat and winds up flipping off some guy who said he got food poisoning from the shrimp cocktail at Ted's restaurant