It was Ted Bell from Ted's of Beverly Hills telling Phil about firing two food servers who didn't want to have to watch "Jersey Shore" in order for them to be "conversant about the hippest shows with customers." The two women were Italian-American and found the show offensive but Ted says he likes to "relax looking at these duimb (whispered) greaseballs especially since two guys tried to 'put the arm' on my father a few years ago." Clearly Ted's talking about organized crime but he presses on. "Plus, that show has made it okay to say things like (whispered) guinea." Vernon Dozier appeared on the show tonight to tell Boomers they should live "every ounce of their lives" before they even think about leaving a will or an estate plan. Vernon believes that relatives and others after a certain point go from loving you to rubbing their hands together waiting for you to check out. Vernon wants the most out of life and then he'll make out his will. He talked about wanting to go out "sailing down the back stretch of the Daytona 500, getting air and flying off the track becoming a fireball just out of sight. If I have done my will before that, great. If not every penny goes to the state and I dont care. I'll be a flaming ball of energy, basically the Sun."

Reverand David Castorini of the Castorini Youth Ministries was on to tell Phil about his dreams for a mega-church. They basically involved the homeless man-turned-voice over artist Ted Williams. Reverand Castorini believes Mr. Williams hasn't been given near the support he needs. As a former rockhead himself the Reverand said  Williams needs to live in at least as big a house as those helping him, like Dr. Phil. Anyway, once he's on his feet he can become a member of David's church and help him realize the goal of building one bigger than Rick Warren's. What a mental case... The next hour, Dr. Jim Sadler was with Phil to discuss Congresswoman Gabrielle Gifford's recovery. It's all well and good to talk about so-called heroes like Daniel Hernandez said Dr. Sadler but what about the real heroes? In fact, what about the real miracle workers? The doctors! Dr. Sadler said the doctors got so little real recognition they had to walk around the memorial wearing their hospital gowns with their name tags clipped on.

Jeff Dowder, professor of mechanical physics at Cal Tech put forth the proposition tonight that Obama saved Sarah Palin's career and America from civil war.....all in one speech.... Later on Brad Rivkind from Rivkind Advertising was hoping to sell Phil on the idea of a "Gabby Opened Her Eyes" lighter, one that has the eyes of a woman light up orange when the lighter is opened...Hoo-Boy.

The all-time record holder for packing the most amount of bullcrap into an interview, Don Parsley, called Phil tonight, this time to tell Phil and his audience how traumatized he was by the events of Saturday. In fact he was so traumatized he wanted to mourn. And where does Don mourn? Santa Anita Race Track! The problem is his workplace found out and fired him. So, Don told us, he knew he'd need money "to feed his family" and he laid down a $1500 bet on a trifecta.....and lost. That's more trauma for Don. And of course he can't feed his family which includes his daughter...make that his son...no, make that his son and two daughters.... no.... wait....

"Best Of" on the radio!

Starting things off was Don Micksa of the University of Washingon. With Great Neck, New York banning smoking on it's streets Professor Micksa said that the time had come for us to give our young people the truth about smoking...that the worlds most interesting people smoke. Like Winston Churchill. "Wouldn't you want to be as self-possessed and confident as Winston Churchill," asks Micksa. "Well then light up a cigar. Then Steve Bosell, who claims to have gotten lost in a "twilight zone" when he saw a toddler beauty pageant on TV, says he is oppossed to parading children like that but he also saw one child in a Madonna "conical brassiere" that made him curious. When his wife called for him from another part of the house he yelled back "something's come up." Well it isn't long before Steve is pegged as a perv and in need of immediate psychiatric evaluation. Steve ends the hour crying.

Curt Queedy and Guy Barton, the state senators from West Virginia, were on tonight propping their new bill, one which would allow the states to administer corporal punishment to kids if the parents fail to. Guy was sitting in a restaurant one night watching a little kid ruinning around and had already calculated how hard he'd have to trip the kid to send him flying, head first, into the sweet potato fry bin. A law allowing the state to take over punishment would save Guy the trouble..not to mention the kid. Professor Emory Clayton discussed the Ted Williams story, a homeless man...a former disc jockey...given a second chance at life by a newspaper that discovered him panhandling money using his voice as a hook. Professor Clayton said that Ted, a black man, was "simply banging symbols together and wearing a bell boy hat for the white man. The white man will fade away and leave Mr. Williams alone in a dark room. The only way you'll see him.....is if he smiles."

We opened the show tonight with a discussion of John Boehner, the new Speaker of the House. Raj Feneen of Immigrants For Americas Rebirth had a laundry list of things wrong with Boehner, from the fact he said Saddam Hussein should "burn in hell" to the fact he said "God Bless You" to someone who sneezed. All of this is a violation of the separation of church and state, according to Mr. Feneen. Margaret Grey is sick to death of the school districts of America and their CONSERVATIVE agenda as opposed to the school districts that have a LIBERAL agenda. One such school district in Texas was sent a series of death threats this week. Ms Grey said that she doesn't condone violence but it's hard not to act out. That's why she stood up in a parent/teacher meeting and said she would never hurt children but any stray dogs or cats she sees she'll run over. "I saw a German Shepherd, looked at Frank and said 'There but for the grace of God go you.' And then I floored it."