Phil’s special guest is Brad Rivkind of the Rivkind Advertising Agency. He has worked up an ad campaign for one of his clients, Snow Peak Spring Water, featuring a picture of Terri Schiavo next to a bottle of Snow Peak water with the words “Blink If You’re Thirsty” for magazine, television and billboards. He claims he is very much trying to focus attention on the plight of the disabled and, yes, using a little bit of humor to do it.
David G. Hall promotes an upcoming segment of “Sing Radio,” a format that is like talk radio except instead of talking, everyone is singing. He introduces Billy Meacham, a dinner theatre actor who will be the host of the segment. Billy then breaks into song, calling people wanting Terri Schiavo to die, “cold-blooded, scum-sucking killers” to the tune of “Mary Had A Little Lamb.” Phil tells the story of his wife and kids flying to Vegas, going from Burbank to Ontario to Vegas because it was so windy they had to literally refuel. And with the last name “Sanchez, Maria got pulled out of line for extra security. Art Bell brings on General Johnson Jameson who shrinks himself to the size of a microbe and goes down the Popes feeding tube to find out what’s wrong with him. In the Pope’s stomach, The General finds a bag of black tar heroin and a picture of Joan Collins. Some old man calls in to say the squirrels outside his window are talking to him. He doesn’t realize its actual the radio he is listening to.
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are at Terry Schiavo bedside to see if they can’t bring her around. Jerry screams “hey lady!….” in her ear. Then Lloyd Bonafide calls to say he saw an ancient Buddhist technique used in Korea to treat coma patients. The Buddhists screamed “wake up!….” in their patients ears. Vernon Dozier calls to tell Phil to quit whining about some audition he has to do for NBC in the morning. He tells Phil there are more important things in this world, like a young woman dying in Florida. Then Mavis, Steve Bosell and others all call with the same “there’s a woman dying in Florida” line until Phil tells them all to get lost. Then a gas station owner calls to say he is featuring twenty-five cents off per gallon at his pumps if you can beat his retarded brother at wrestling. This prompts a Phil history lesson about Pearl Harbor, oil in the middle east and some other muddled thinking on poor Phil’s part. Oh well, he has to get up early for his audition.