After preliminary hellos, Phil is joined by Bob Bakian from the Phil Hendrie Show News-Chopper reporting on masses of people embracing in joy and strangers kissing in the street because they just heard the NHL season was cancelled. Phil then goes on to say that in Canada, they don’t allow the NFL to operate so they can keep the Canadian game alive and viable. Phil thinks that’s a good idea and proposes we outlaw hockey here in America because what’s killing it is….America. We then played a listener request flashback featuring Paul “Tubby” Lane and his idea that male fans and their favorite NASCAR drivers should be able to take long walks on beaches and have dinners together to discuss racing without women and their stupid questions intruding. Norm Dunkin, an African-American inventor comes on with the Scrotum Tightener, a device that squeezes so tight a black mans voice gets higher and he sounds like white guy. Perfect for the business traveler who needs to sound white on the phone so he isn’t told “oh, you know what, we are full up tonight.” He also demonstrates the Cobb-O-Matic and…well…you can imagine what that does. Lets just say you can sound like an old person. Perfect for calling dinner theaters and getting a good table. Phil then reads some e-mail about his dead NBC pilot that’s up on the site over to the left there.
Don Berman from the Channel 19 news room is on to talk about new, stringent FCC guidelines being proposed for broadcasters. He says they are welcome in light of the fact they protect children from indecent or improper material. But he cautions that once you file a complaint about a broadcaster, your name and address becomes public record and the disc jockey or talk show host you helped get fired, already working in a business with unstable people, may fuel himself on Benzedrine and Johnny Walker Black, gain access to your residence in the middle of the night, attack you in your bed and make a mask out of your flesh.
Coast to Coast with Art Bell starts off the hour with General Johnson Jameson looking into the sun with his “particular dissolver telescope” and seeing some kind of hieroglyphic. He needs help from the listener. A caller decodes it to read “Comb-Over Boy Blows Chimps.” Denny Carlos Shout Out Night features Denny castigating the audience for not being more into the music scene. “Only 18 million of you suckers watched the Grammies. Many of my friends in the music industry were very deeply offended.” Then Phil talks about seeing truckers on the way to work trying to avoid jack-balls who are just begging to get incinerated in the classic car-truck confrontation. A Trucker calls, thanks Phil for his support and then tells Phil he’s just hanging around a rest stop looking for “a boy to share my life with.” On comes Dr. Jim Sadler with a new feature, “The Sadler Moment,” where he tells parents that, of course they shouldn’t kill their children, but there is nothing wrong with reminding them you are capable of it. Build a gallows in the backyard where the kids will see it going to and fro in their daily activities. Jeff Dowder calls to tell Phil and his listeners that the rats on Fear Factor are “de-toothed” so they don’t bite the contestants. He also says Fear factor is bogus unless it challenges two dudes to have sex with each other.