Episodes Archive - Page 826 of 978 - The Phil Hendrie Show

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The Media Archive

The Media Archive

The Media Archive

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Monday, April 11, 2005

Hour 1: Unlike the big stars that are using their Tsunami relief donations to buy the love of the public, Bobbie has themed her “Wintertacular” fashion show to educate Americans on the victims clothing trends.Hour 2: Vernon Dozier, high school football coach, math teacher and avid NASCAR fan is on to complain about the fact that even though he "pleaded" with his wife not to have to baby-sit their granddaughter while he watched NASCAR, she made him thus forcing him to split his time between watching the racing on TV and cleaning baby puke off of his brand new "Nat Nast bowling shirt." That's why, when his wife got home, he gave her hair a "playful tug till it snapped her head back" while talking to her about his ruined afternoon. As Vernon said, "Messing with a NASCAR fan is like messing with a Bakersfield chimp."Hour 3: Steve is suing the driver of a Rolls Royce who cut him off. The windows were tinted real dark so it must have been a Laker or Bernie Mac.

Friday, April 8, 2005

Hour One:Phil talks about having to take a physical for a acting job he got and Bud asks if its going to include a blood test. Phil says he isn't sure and Bud says "remember it takes 30 days for marijuana to leave your system." Tsunamai Sam comes on to do a blues tune about Pope John Paul the 2nd and suddenly breaks into "Candy Man." Professor Husband Ginther discusses the reasons why Prince Charles might possibly want to marry something as frightening as Camilla Parker-Bowles. He has as his guest, Willie Brown, a gentleman who was Ms Parker-Bowles driver. He isn't sure if its relevant but Prince Charles was a particular fan of The Doors "Back Door Man." Hal and Viola Levelliere, just before their plane stalls out, ask Phil why they would dress the Pope like Santa Claus.Hour Two:Father James McQuarters, currently in Rome, comes on to discuss who might be the next Pope.. The Fathers vote? Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston, accused of covering up child molestation by priests in his diocese. He says the crap Law took from outraged parents was like a "21st century crucifiction." He also said that molesting a protestant kid is a venial sin but molesting a catholic kid is the full death sentence: mortal sin and the hot place, pit 9, spit 4.Hour Three:On the Comb-Over Boy Show its Flash Friday. 'Boy wants chicks to show their breasts out car windows but his callers realize he's ripping off Opie and Anthony and get bored. They keep trying to get off the phone while 'Boy keeps trying to keep them on. Even only saying a word every 4 seconds doesn't fill enough time. Jeff Dowders Hypothetical America imagines what would happen if lightening struck the Pope's coffin and he came back to life. Phil gets the vacationing Herb Sewell on the phone to ask why he is visiting his mother when she tortured and sexually abused him as a child. Herb blathers some crap about how it's "the civilized thing to do" and he doesn't want Phil to mess up "eight good, strong years of electro-shock and insulin shock" with his irrelevant questions. Then its another edition of "Phil's Boring Comparisons Between 9/11 And Pearl Harbor brought to you by Orville Redenbachers Popcorn. When you look in the bowl, you won't see a seed." The Phil then reminisces about the time he broke up with some chick and as a result almost joined the French Foriegn Legion.

Thursday, April 7, 2005

Hour One:Phil reads some of the shows funniest lines as submitted by listeners. Example" RC Collins said, "You show me where it says 'bonesmoker' in the consitution." David Hall calls and tells Phil he's gotta go to Ryan Seacrests Hollywood Walk of Fame Star ceremony and he is responsible for keeping it clean with 409 and a rag. Little Logan Benson calls to say "my grandpa thinks Johnnie Cochran was a fast, talking darkie."Hour Two:Larry Grover, the "Angry Liberal" comes on the show to talk about how his son was detained by the police after a journal he was keeping revealed extremely violent thoughts, like wanting to "slit the school principals throat and then hang him upside down to let the blood drain out." Larry is upset with the cops because he son told him it was an April Fools Joke and, anyway, its all paranoia that Bush created after 9/11.Hour ThreeBrass Villenueva is a valet at a swank West Los Angeles restuarant. He says that once you give him the keys to your car, he can, by law, use the car to "get a bucket at KFC or a sandwich....but only if it was an emergency." In the past, valets that work for him have borrowed patrons cars only to be involved in police chases or traffic stops that turn into drug busts. Naturally Phil isn't buying it but Brass says, "right there on the ticket it says we are not responsible for stolen and damaged property so I'm not resposnsible for it being stolen even though, technically, I stole it."

Wednesday, April 6, 2005

Hour One:Mr Loyd Bonafide of Alhambra, California calls from Rome, Italy where he and his wife are vacationing. He tells Phil he is, frankly, dissappointed with how depressed and down-in-the-mouth the Italians are over the Pope. He says there aren't any "big Italian smiles with plates full of food like the brochure tells about." He tells Phils audience he is tired of Catholics "shoving their lifestyle down my throat just like the gays."Hour Two:David Hall calls to tell Phil that the phone call from Italy he took during the previous hour just cost the company "thousands." Phil then goes on to talk about the various products the Hendrie family purchases, like slabs of pork ribs from Costco, big packages of Top Ramen, creme soda and root beer and a new screen for the back door from Home Depot. David calls back and screams at Phil for violating FCC decency guidelines by saying the words "slab of pork, big package, creme, root and back door." Bud Dickman then lays an enormous egg with his "Catholic Joke of the Day." Wow. Earl Pants Car Talk is live from Rome where Earl is allowed to look at the famous Pope-Mobile. Unfortunately, Earl finds a copy of Swank stuffed under the back seat.Hour ThreePhil mentions that it bums him out to see the American flag burned. So Jeff Dowder callls to say the show has gotten real "right wing." The he says he is selling a napkin on E-Bay that looks like the Popes' hat. It doesn't seem to matter to Jeff that he folded it to look like the Popes' hat. Herb Sewell, the child molester turned news commentator, reports on the Michael Jackson case and since there isn't anything going on he gives his opinion about teenage sex and the need for condom dispensers at the local high schools. Rudy Canosa sings the song "Angel is a Centerfold," replacing the "na-na-na" part with "la-la-la." Bob Bakian, flying over St Peters Square, says he sees "Kerry For Pope" signs. Phil, again, tells Bob not to do schtick. Bob tells Phil to go to the hot place. Margaret Grey calls from Rome as well to say she is in line to see the Pope with her son, Jason Jay Delmonico, and she is packing a weapon in case any priests turn on the boy. And then Justin McElroy calls in to say that while it is against the law to threaten the Presidents life, it is not against the law to threaten the loife of a dead President. So he goes on to talk about how he wants to assasinate Woodrow Wilson.

Tuesday, April 5, 2005

Hour 1: Raj Feneen came on the show to say that NASCAR wastes oil with their "stupid racing." The oil that is wasted by NASCAR is the resource of the middle east and Americans use it to race cars and go buy "Biggie fries." Phil ended the hour by saying that NASCAR is superior to any other sport because you can bring a cooler in and no dumbass fan is going to throw something on the track without the other fans around him, without warning, ending his life.Hour 2: With the recent statistics coming from the Census Bureau, Bobbi and Steve Dooley want to assure white people that everything is going to be okay. The stats reveal that by the year 2050, minority groups will be 49.9 percent of the U.S. population. Bobbi called an emergency meeting of the Western Estates Homeowners Association to help keep people calm. Bobbi is very cool with the rise in minorities, but realizes so many whites are not. That is why she and her husband Steve do some role playing to help the folks understand. Steve dresses up like a Mesquite Indian and pretends to be a loans officer at a bank. Bobbi goes up to him to ask for a loan all the while remaining calm about a minority in a power role.Hour 3: Ted is offering etiquette classes at his steak house but doesn’t think Phil’s listeners are advanced enough to take them.

Monday, April 4, 2005

Hour 1: Jay Santos of the Citizens Auxiliary Police came on to talk about how tough it is to enforce the drug laws pertaining to methamphetamine since the only people that use it "are white people...and there's a little hitch" of sadness in his step, says Jay, when he has to approach a white motorist. Jay then grabs a handful of hair and pulls the motorists head back to shine a flashlight up their nose to see if there's any "sprinkling of meth around the nostril portions."Hour 2: Mr. Greene plans to sue the black members of Congress for slave reparations owed to his family... who lost money when they had to free their slaves.Hour 3: Pastor Rennick knows that kids are going to have sex…so he wants to encourage “alternative” forms of it that won’t cause unwanted pregnancies.

Friday, April 1, 2005

Hour 1: Vernon Dozier is on to promote his book, The Wages of Sin: Surviving Road Rage. Vernon says through Jesus and therapy he is cured of road rage......except when he sees women using hands-free cell phones, flossing their teeth or putting on make-up while driving. He feels emasculated.Hour 2: Dave Oliva is a waiter at the Grand Junction Steak House in Westwood. he is also studying to be a LAPD officer. He uses "law enforcement procedure" at the restaurant by telling people to stack their dishes nicely before he brings the check. If they don't, he follows them to door and says "hey man, nice job stacking those dishes." At one point, he says people are such pigs that a family left something in a napkin and he "wasn't sure what it was."Hour 3: Chris Norton, a pharmaceutical rep, is organizing a free speech at work movement. He was honest with a co-worker when she brought her baby to work to show everyone. He said the kids face looked "pinched in." This co-worker decided to have her desk moved to another part of the building. Chris thinks its restricting his right to free speech that she would punish him for saying what he said about her kid by moving her desk. After all, he's attracted to her and wants to buy her "drinks."

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Hour 1 Doug Danger tells prom kids they're not a big shot because they are in a limo. Caller Jeff says Doug sounds jealous.Hour 2 Dr.Husband Ginther talks about the development of language... "Baby Talk". Father James McQuarters gives us an update on the Pope... he wants him to die, and believes the next Pope should be Irish.Hour 3 Steve Bosell compares the Pope and Terry Schiavo. He says Terry Schiavo should have been allowed to die. Caller Tracey disgrees with the way Steve compares the Pope to Mrs.Schiavo.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Hour One:Phil's special guest is Brad Rivkind of the Rivkind Advertising Agency. He has worked up an ad campaign for one of his clients, Snow Peak Spring Water, featuring a picture of Terri Schiavo next to a bottle of Snow Peak water with the words "Blink If You're Thirsty" for magazine, television and billboards. He claims he is very much trying to focus attention on the plight of the disabled and, yes, using a little bit of humor to do it.Hour Two:David G. Hall promotes an upcoming segment of "Sing Radio," a format that is like talk radio except instead of talking, everyone is singing. He introduces Billy Meacham, a dinner theatre actor who will be the host of the segment. Billy then breaks into song, calling people wanting Terri Schiavo to die, "cold-blooded, scum-sucking killers" to the tune of "Mary Had A Little Lamb." Phil tells the story of his wife and kids flying to Vegas, going from Burbank to Ontario to Vegas because it was so windy they had to literally refuel. And with the last name "Sanchez, Maria got pulled out of line for extra security. Art Bell brings on General Johnson Jameson who shrinks himself to the size of a microbe and goes down the Popes feeding tube to find out what's wrong with him. In the Pope's stomach, The General finds a bag of black tar heroin and a picture of Joan Collins. Some old man calls in to say the squirrels outside his window are talking to him. He doesn't realize its actual the radio he is listening to.Hour Three:Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are at Terry Schiavo bedside to see if they can't bring her around. Jerry screams "hey lady!...." in her ear. Then Lloyd Bonafide calls to say he saw an ancient Buddhist technique used in Korea to treat coma patients. The Buddhists screamed "wake up!...." in their patients ears. Vernon Dozier calls to tell Phil to quit whining about some audition he has to do for NBC in the morning. He tells Phil there are more important things in this world, like a young woman dying in Florida. Then Mavis, Steve Bosell and others all call with the same "there's a woman dying in Florida" line until Phil tells them all to get lost. Then a gas station owner calls to say he is featuring twenty-five cents off per gallon at his pumps if you can beat his retarded brother at wrestling. This prompts a Phil history lesson about Pearl Harbor, oil in the middle east and some other muddled thinking on poor Phil's part. Oh well, he has to get up early for his audition.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Hour 1: David G. Hall calls immediately to tell Phil that due to FCC considerations he needs to "go easy" when saying the name "Cochran." Lloyd Bonafide calls the show to say that after listening to a Michael Jackson record, he feels he's been molested and wonders if the V.A will treat it. Carl the Complainer calls to bitch about how much he hates the show, as usual, and then demands, as usual, to be put through to the CEO of Clear Channel. The Gary Snale Computer Show goes wrong somehow and Gary is reduced to tears. His interview guest is suddenly pressed into service to finish the show. Callers call for computer advise and to say how much of a puss-boy Gary is. Bud suddenly enters the studio with a crew of people shooting a porn movie. And then Father James McQuarters lets us in on a little secret. In order for him to sound Irish, he has to have Irish music playing, otherwise, when the Irish music stops, he morphs into a black man. Hour 2: Bobbie Dooley has organized a caravan of 150 residents of the Western Estates Homeowners Association to head down to Florida and "save Terri Schiavo." They are building a new community center at Western estates and they have placed a plaque commemorating Terri's life.....right next to the Coke machine. Bobbie's says that when they get to Florida, they may ask Terri's father to reimburse them for the gas money. But then, "how much is your child's life worth." Hour 3: Robert Green, of Frazier Foods, has told employees and customers he doesn't want people talking in the stores about Johnnie Cochran because he was the guy that got that "throat slitting, cold-blooded murderer O.J." acquitted and hearing his name may upset "Caucasian" shoppers. He also says he has an "innovative" new way in keeping up with customers tastes. He has his checkers eavesdrop on conversations shoppers are having in the check out lines. The other day one of his checkers came to him and said there was a guy in line looking at the tabloids who said to his wife, "That guy Michael Moore is a liar." Green entered that into his "database."

MMM-HMMM, BOBBIE INTERVIEWS CELEBRITIES

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