What happens when you text and drive It's flare drop time with Jay Santos of the Citizens Auxiliary Police. Cell phones may be banned from use in cars because of a recommendation by the NTSB. Jay is running flare drops-traffic stops where flares are dropped so as to funnel traffic into one lane-and asking people who they are talking to on their cell phones and why. If the answer is unsatisfactory, Jay takes the phone and throws it like he's trying to hit home plate from centerfield. Will Jay survive this rash interdiction of normal human behavior? Are bears Catholic?

The Citizens Auxiliary Police was founded in 1996 by a Major Elvis Newton in Torrance, California. Newton, himself a shadowy figure with some past military association, is said to have handed down his idea for an aggressive civilian police auxiliary to Jay Santos, a neighbor, while sitting in a darkened living room, chain smoking Pall Malls. Organized loosely arouind the rank and leadership structure of The Federation of Planets, a ficticious entity from televisions 'Star Trek' series, the CAP says its mission is to "take a peek over the shoulder of the police." They view themselves as being "on the front lines of law enforcement" though they take they're only real authority from the legal concept of "citizens arrest." They're "official" uniform is a pith or safari helmet, a blue arm-band, bermuda shorts and wing-tips with knee socks. Among their various ranks are SubCommander, Brigadier Admiral (Jay's rank which seems to be second in command for the entire CAP) and the leaders rank of Major, held by Elvis Newton who hasn't been seen in public for many years. The CAP apparently has sister organizations throughout the United States. These include the Gator Brigade (Florida) The Beaver Battalion or Beave Battalion (Oregon) West Texas Range Riders (Texas)  and the New York State Simulated Police (New York) For a listener's idea of what Jay looks like, please see the caricature accompanying this article.

It was vernon Dozier doing battle with Dr. Jim Sadler tonight over who is more of a "MA-MA boy." (Not Ma-Ma's boy says Vernon because that's possessive and Vernon's "masculist" group doesn't accept any man being possessed by his MA-MA) Dr. Sadler became so upset at losing the debate he got in his car and drove to Dozier's house where he tried to gain access by posing as a pizza delivery guy and a telegram courier. Neither worked and Sadler called Phil's show back, crying... Phil and his crew discussed Steve Harvey crying on TV Wednesday afternoon.... Jay Santos discussed with Phil the story of a child ejected from a car in Russia and almost being run down by a semi. A similar thing happened to two of Jay's adopted sons, a "Pacific Islander" named Reggie and an "Asian" named Jerry. Jay's thrid son, an African-American named Cleon was safe. The two boys were "fired from the car, parallel to the ground, at about 50 miles an hour straight into a snow bank. Their diapers were almost completely torn off "due to wind shear."