Videocast Log: January 30, 2004 Vernon Dozier has a choice to make. Watch the Super Bowl or visit a critical ill, new-born grandson in San Diego. What do you think wins? "God gets his kicks watching us sweat like a priest in a whorehouse over things we really want and he'll never give us." Then Jeff Dowder, professor of mechanical physics at Cal Tech (among his many other talents) talks about how we can travel to Mars in a week and a half because of the "warp coil" and "dilithium crystals." February 2, 2004 Phil rants about Janet Jacksons "wardrobe malfunction" which happened at half-time at the preceeding days Super Bowl. Then Phil interviews "Janet" in an early version of "As You'd Like to Hear Them."  Later it's Steve Bosell suing CBS because they didn't really alert him that Jacksons boob would be shown so he bought the Lingerie Bowl instead. And now he thinks the guys he invited over don't want to be his friend because he's lame.

Tonight, Bob Green, CEO of Frazier Fooods, encouraged Phil's listeners to spend their vacation time along the Gulf Coast. It was part of Bob and other business owners campaigning on behalf of business along the Gulf Coast to help bring it back from the devastation of the BP oil disaster. Bob told Phil that, of course, he would be spending his vacation in San Francisco at a new resort part-owned by a friend of his where they have mud baths and 1200 dollar a night suites. But if he were younger and "could take it" Bob would be vacationing on the Gulf Coast too. Dr. Ron Tarner joined Phil advocating something called "baby-speak" in response to what Ron and other scientists consider "the stupid questions the public has been asking about the BP calamity." When Ron and his colleagues give an address or go on a show and they are asked one of these "stupid" questions, they respond by talking like an infant. Tonight, Phil asked Ron when he thought this leak might be capped and Ron answered "Mr. Bobama..he gonna come and make magic and the Dutch too."

Margeret Grey weighed in on the Mel Gibson disaster. She talked about Phil comparing himself to Gibson and Phil comparing, really, all men to Gibson. Margaret said it wasn't accurate for Phil to say he's been that angry or that other men have been that angry as Phil and other men have never dated super models or paid for multiple houses. If Phil or other men had the same problems Mel Gibson has, they would take that baby Ms. Grigorieva was holding and as in track and field fling it like a hammar. Later Vernon Dozier reported to Phil that the Little League team he is coaching this summer went down to defeat in the playoffs for the Little League World Series. He told Phil that the kids had been under so much pressure he went ahead and had one of the fathers go on a beer run for a case. The kids split it. While Vernon knows that what he did was technically wrong, some of these kids, he says, have mothers that are "real hard on the eyes."

On tonights show, Dr. Ron Tarner, an astronomer and astrophysicist, tells us that he has been asked by an old friend, Dr. Bob Winslow of the Mountain Meadow School District, to teach a class in sexual abstinence to middle schoolers. Because of budget cuts the school is short of teachers. So Ron agrees and tells the children that the best way to abstain from sex is by masturbating. In speaking with the parents, Ron says he has to "go slow and explain very carefully that you can't make babies from masturbation." Ron feels that as a very educated man he might as well be talking to people in "bonnets from the 17th century who believe that flickering lights caused by swamp gas are actually dancing elves and pixies." Ted Bell joins Phil for a discussion of LeBron James and another "backstabber, Don Voges." Mr. Voges is a former chef who worked for Ted until Don took a job at a Shula Steak House in Memphis so he could be close to the St. Judes Hospital for Children. Don's daughter is sick with Leukemia. Ted however says the guy was "stepping over my body like I'm a passed out drunk in a doorway" on his way to better money the same way Lebron James "stepped over Dan Gilberts body in a doorway." Ted finally says that what James did is like "digging up James Naismiths corpse and playing with his remains by the moonlight."

The verdict  in the trial of former BART cop Johannes Mehserle in the shooting death of Oscar Grant III prompted protests today in Oakland, some getting a little rough with fires and broken windows. Professor Emory Clayton was in Oakland and decided on a form of "civil disobedience" that wouldn't hurt anyone. He walked down Broadway holding the last of a lunchtime apple he was eating. When he saw a white woman with a particularly big butt locking up her store, he threw the apple at her ass and ran back to his car. He told Phil on the show "as I ran I could feel the police brutality all over me. No cop actually hit me but that's not the point. I was doing 500 years of swamp running." Next, Jay Santos of the Citizens Auxiliary Police was also in Oakland helping out another citizens "police" auxiliary, the San Francisco Seals. That's right. They're named after the old hockey team. Anyway, once Jay saw a high number of white people gathering to protest along with black people he realized the black people there might resent the whites because of their tendency to "make protests about police brutality look silly with cell phones and waving at cameras they don't see." Sub-Commander Gleason was upstairs in a hotel room watching the street gatherings on TV and sure enough went to the window and gave Jay the "high-sign, two thumbs up and one thumb down, which means the protests looks stupid. He was telling us to move the whites down a block and get them coffee."

Tonight, Harvey Weirman, retired attorney, came on to give us some expertise on the Mel Gibson, custody-dispute, domestic-violence story. While Gibson is heard on a tape recording admitting to striking girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva while she was holding their 8 month old daughter, Weirman argued to Phil and his listeners that "hate speech" directed at Gibson from Grigorieva could have provoked him. When a woman tells a man that he is a "thumbd**k" or "is working a cocktail frank" it's hate speech. Says Harvey: "She calls him thumb you-know-what, left hand, boom, she goes down and he's calling me." Later Bobbie Dooley tried to get people jealous over the fact she has a Facebook page with over 4300 friends and she only "friends" people with at least a thousand friends already but no one cared. She blamed Phil and said Phil "laid an egg out there tonight." Phil blamed Bobbie.

Don Parsley, the bullshit artist extraordinaire, visited our show this evening. His was a tale of woe, losing his commercial fishing business to Obama's mishandling of the BP Oil Disaster. His son got "smeared," while his daughter got sick "from the smell." So he packed his starving family up and brought them to California in the hopes that his story would interest "Harpo Productions," meaning Oprah. Phil offers Don a job painting his house but Don turns him down "because if Harpo calls I have to be able to reach my phone." When asked by a caller why Don doesn't have his wife answer the phone, Don says it's because his wife "would mess up a Chinese wet dream." David G. Hall also pays a visit to bust on Phil for letting the cat out of the bag....that syndicators pay radio stations to air their programs. Phil, Bud and Robert also spar over who is a movie star: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tim Hanks or Will Smith...

"Best of" on the Radio

Dean Wheeler from the Northern California Holistic Center was our first hour guest. Dean and others have petitioned the city of San Francisco to make July 4rth Native American Day. Dean told us that the day should be used by "Europeans" to meditate intensely so they can become "Indians." He gave an example of "Native dialect" (basically saying things like 'many moons') and he did a "Native chant" (which sounded a lot like an Atlanta Brave fan) Dean says he'd like to be a Cherokee because thats the tribe most often mentioned in movies...Later on in the show Vernon Dozier of BelMar Academy discussed allowing kids to buy and play with firecrackers in the oft-chance they injure themselves by "blowing a hand off" or "shoving their face into a Roman candle" because then they may get a taste of what the "sting of battle felt like for the brave men (Women too, asked a kid at school. No, said Vernon. Not really) who fought for our freedom." Vernon said that when he was a kid his friend Chris Daigle lit a cherry bomb about 3 inches from Vernons ear. When Vernon came to, he said he asked his friends where Daigle was. "They told me and I went and found him and...you don't really want me to finish the story, do you?"

Our show this evening started with Rudy Canosa, a businessman who has traveled enough to know that getting a massage in a hotel at the end of a day can be a welcome thing. It can also mean an expert masseuse doing her thing so well a man is "begging for relief" at the end of the hour. No doubt this is what happened to Al Gore, says Rudy. Here's a guy, a Nobel Prize winner, an Oscar winner and the former Vice-President looking for a "rubdown" and the next thing you know this masssuse is danicng her fingers all over him. Some men have been reduced to 'dropping to one knee with a towel around them, crying." Finish what you started, says Rudy. Next up, Clara Bingham, middle school teacher, came on to discuss a new, Hollywood-backed effort to teach kids about the First Amendment. Clara says, among other things, the First Amendment allows us to express our anger at BP but not call Obama a socialist. After all, the word "socialist" is code for "monkey." Plus, "Twilight" only had one black vampire in it and that's forty years after William Marshall in "Blacula." Thats not the proper use of free speech.