Hour 1: Dave Oliva, wannabe LAPD is concerned.....the man who was going to marry the Runaway Bride might suddenly get angry with her and "backhand her like Rod Laver at the Australian Open..." If Dave is the cop responding to that call he is going to be torn: A man shouldn't hit a woman but, on the other hand, she did make him look "like a horse's be-hind in front of all of America."Hour 2: Vernon Dozier, a high school teacher, comes on to explain why he has to take a second job at a "sandwich" shop. His pay as a teacher is inadequate. While teaching is the worlds most honorable profession and he is still forced to stand there taking sandwich orders, he ought to be able to date someone's 15 year old daughter without explaining himself.Hour 3: RC Collins from Bradley Military Academy is on to say he's a cadet and unlike Marines in basic training, he can't blow off steam by getting into a bar fight. He wants so much to go to Iraq and stick and insurgents head on a stick. So he and some other cadets "represent" at a local middle school where they turn over garbage cans and shove toilet paper down the toilet to blow off steam and show the "civilians" that they are to be respected.

Hour 1: Lloyd Bonafide, a Korean war veteran and retired heating and plumbing man, reads aloud an e-mail he sent to the different media about the images of Terry Schiavo on TV and how they show the comatose woman "grinning like she just hit the lottery" Lloyd, naturally, thinks she's somehow grinning at him as if its funny being in a coma and watching Lloyd obsess over his sexual dysfunction problem. Then at the end of the hour Lloyd insists on singing "Hungry Heart" as part of his warm up before auditioning for "American Idol."Hour 2: RC Collins wants to go on a "road trip" to San Francisco with his fellow cadets from Bradley to see Nobu Uematsu, famed Final Fantasy composer" and he wants to take his mom's Lexus but she won't let him. RC laments that his friend Raul will have to drive them in Raul's Camaro but RC is reluctant to be seen in a "Beaner-mobile." He goes on to tell one of Phil's callers that when "I bring Bin Laden's head into your kitchen on the end of my bayonet and place it on your kitchen counter, you don't even have to say thank you. Just don't make me ride around in a Bean Wagon.".Hour 3: After visiting a Japanese Steak House, LLoyd becomes concerned with what he calls "the post stress syndrome" that may be visited upon returning combat veterans witnessing an Asian weilding knives and salt shakers "like he thinks he's something special." Lloyd calls for a shutting down of all teppan resturaunts "commensurate with the first of the year" before some vet pulls a Japanese chef "face down onto the grill"

Hour One:Some kid calls Phil to say he thinks he has syphilis because his tongue hurts. It turns out the kid was making out with his girlfriend for about three hours over the weekend and the French-kissing got intense....David G. calls to tell Phil not to talk to much about "tongues" on account of the FCC......Phil blathers about fast lane jack balls going to slow....RC Collins calls to ask if the show is experiencing technical difficulties. It turns out he's cranking the show....A baboon runs through the studio carrying a brassiere...David G. calls and tells Phil to ignore it....Upon hearing about Russell Crowe got popped for throwing a phone at a hotel employee, Phil wonders whether the Australians can really hold their liquor like they say they can....Hour Two:Ted from Ted's of Beverly Hills runs over a bunch of ducks for laughs in his Mustang and makes his son cry in the process......Hour Three:Herb Sewell comes on to talk about Walter Bellhaven fighting the DA in Alameda County for the possession of four human skulls....Bud and Harvey read the e-mail because Phil is "indisposed".....Phil reads some more e-mail and then talks about going shopping for just himself....popcorn and steaks......Phil then talks about Tom Cruise and how all the rumor in the world won't ever make the guy come out of the closet....he's too smart.....

Hour 1:RC Collins of Bradley Military Academy wants to be 101st Airborne but would like the option of not jumping out of a plane into combat if it looks too hairy.....RC talks with a combat veteran who tells him he'd kick him out the door anyway. RC says "that would be murder"........RC says that coming down in a parachute makes the target for any enemy on the ground quite obvious...He's shooting up so "what do you think he's going to hit first?....Phil says taking King of the Hill off of the air is Fox "trying to wring every last penny out of that half-hour "like they have their hands on a KFC chickens throat..."...Phil tells the story of the 101st at Bastogne in WW2.....Hour 2:Lloyd Bonafide is insistent that when the youth center he and his wife financially support has its teen formal dance for underprivileged youth, a song he wrote called "I Gotta Rock" be played by the band. The songs lyrics go "I gotta rock, I gotta rock, for God's sake do I have to rock."Hour 3:Vernon Dozier, high school football coach, math teacher and avid NASCAR fan is on to complain about the fact that even though he "pleaded" with his wife not to have to baby-sit their granddaughter while he watched NASCAR, she made him thus forcing him to split his time between watching the racing on TV and cleaning baby puke off of his brand new "Nat Nast bowling shirt." That's why, when his wife got home, he gave her hair a "playful tug till it snapped her head back" while talking to her about his ruined afternoon. As Vernon said, "Messing with a NASCAR fan is like messing with a Bakersfield chimp."

Hour 1:Father James McQuarters wants to have kids on stage naked performing Genesis in the school play...He feels that it is ok as this is the way the Bible tells the story, but parents are outraged and believe he is a pervert.Hour 2:RC Collins of Bradley Military Academy doesn't think it's fair that cadets can't blow off steam by getting into bar fights like Marines can. He and some other cadets want to be able to turn over garbage cans and shove toilet paper down the toilet to blow off steam and show the "civilians" that they are to be respected.Hour 3:Vernon Dozier is on to promote his book, The Wages of Sin: Surviving Road Rage. Vernon says through Jesus and therapy he is cured of road rage......except when he sees women using hands-free cell phones, flossing their teeth or putting on make-up while driving. He feels emasculated.