Episodes Archive - Page 827 of 978 - The Phil Hendrie Show

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The Media Archive

The Media Archive

The Media Archive

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Monday, March 28, 2005

Hour One:Herb Sewell reported from the Michael Jackson trial saying Michael out to get himself declared legally insane so he can go to Atascadero and play cards with Walter Belhaven. Phil then started talking about the Easter ham Maria made and immediately David G. Hall called in and told Phil not to talk about "pulling ham" for FCC reasons. Then Phil tries to do "Weekend Sports Update with Laurel and Hardy" but the music isn't right so he abandons the bit. Then Adolph Hitler comes on to say he doesn't appreciate getting blamed everytime some kid claims "neo-Nazi" affinity. Besides, he just got cable in Paraguay and is catching up on "Happy Days." He even does a Tom Bosley impression.Hour Two:Brian Grant of the LA Lakers comes on to host an hour on Terri "Shiveno." Brian says the only food Terri's been getting are the flies buzzing into her mouth. He goes on to say the look on her face is the exact same look the Lakers have on their faces at the end of the game when they're looking at the scoreboard.Hour Three:Craig Hardy with News Overheard in a Bar starts off the hour. One of his items: He heard a guy say in a bar the other day that Bush made some kids look for chicken eggs on the front lawn of the White House so he could have an omelet. Father McQuarters comes on to say it looks like the Pope is going down for the count. The Father says all life is precious even if you are reduced to the mental state of a Maggio carrot. The Jeff Dowder comes on to sing "Goodbye Terri Schiavo." He also makes the carrot comparison. And then Clara Bingham comes on to to ask why Woody Allen and George Kennedy were talking to the press about the Terri Schiavo case. Phil then realizes she's talking about Terri Schiavo's parents.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Hour One:It was Margaret Grey who has filmed a documentary called "The Passions of Terri Schiavo" that got things going. Margaret "desperately" wants Terri to live and went so far as to compare her ordeal with that of Jesus Christ. But the bottom line, she claimed, was that in order for the comparison to work, Terri would need to die and then, according to Margaret, "Bob Redford" would screen it at Sundance. "She dies and we go wide."Hour Two:Don Berman, news anchor, has just come out of alcohol rehab. He taped a major report on his troubles with booze but the station won't run it because there is still a lot of interest in the Terri Schiavo case. Don is resentful that everytime he turns the TV on his looking at Terri and "her bucked out teeth." He then goes on to say there's a lot of juicy stuff in his report like him having sex with the station managers 15 year old daughter. "Wouldn't you rather see a report about that than watch Terri with the beaver kisser."Hour ThreePhil kicks off with his semi-regular bitch about the fast lane jackasses that ride along at 55 despite 6 miles of traffic behind them. Bill Schaeffer is a Mall Easter Bunny who wanted to talk about being hired to be a mall bunny because he was born with rabbit ears but instead makes a plea to women standing in line to see him with infants. "Please have the common decency to change their diapers in the change rooms provided instead of pulling their log-ridden shorts off right there in line. Thank you!!" Then he slams the phone down. A listener flashback follows from Easter, 1995. "Roland's Easter House." Then Phil reads a story about a finger found in Wendy's chili and theorizes that the customer probably out it there herself. That's what's been going on, says Phil. Vernon Dozier came on to tell Phil the poker classes that he has been holding for his students have broken out into scuffles because the kids are beating him pretty good and he needs money to keep his girlfriend happy while his wife is in a coma. Phil then explains, not very well, how his show is sometimes tape-delayed in some towns. And then Jeff Dowder has his segment "Wouldn't It Be Funny" basically cancelled after he comes on with tasteless cracks about Terri Schiavo wearing rabbit ears.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Hour One:The opens with Professor Husband Ginther and "Man At War." The Professor attempts to talk about Pearl Harbor but is drowned out by a high school band practicing and some guy jack hammering the street. When Phil intervenes, the Professor scolds Phil for not having the guts to talk about WW2 crap himself instead of inventing some bag of wind British professor to do it. Phil then extolled the virtues of the city of Miami, the first city in America that "got" the Phil Hendrie Show. Premiere talk show host Glenn Beck offers to "buy" Terri Schiavo from her husband and Phil knocks it. But David G. Hall calls and asks Phil if he has any better ideas on how to promote a radio show. Then Phil tells the audience that Rod Price of Foghat died and that prompts outrage from the callers telling Phil he shouldn't say the word "Rod." Jeff Dowder calls in with an idea for a tasteless contest...so tasteless that David Hall wants Phil to play a clown horn over and over so people will know "it's all in fun."Hour Two:The Reverend Jim Pauley is on to talk about his "romantic" ministry. He doesn't care if its a woman or a man, he will get "romantic" with them, stopping just short of sex, in order to spread the word of God. At one point he talks about being in Palm Springs with 35 gay men, all nude in a room together watching porn, telling them about Jesus and having some guy sucking his toes.Hour Three:Phil talks about not being able to get a room at a resort hotel in Mexico because he made a crack about their shrimp cocktail giving him "the squirts." Herb Sewell, pervert-turned-commentator, comes on to report on another day at the Michael Jackson trial and tell more Walter Bellhaven stories, the serial murderer he was locked up with who, according to Herb, is also "a great card player." Hal and Viola Leveliere call in to ask "isn't this whole Minnesota shooting a tempest in a t-shirt." Then they try "T-Bird," "Ice-T," "t-top," and "tee-pee" before Phil screams, "It's teapot!" Then they stall out and crash into the Stratosphere Hotel in 'Vegas. British tabloid writer Karl Mizla then comes on to say he thinks Angelina Jolie looks "rode hard and put up wet."

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Hour 1RC Collins from Bradley Military Academy is on to say he's a cadet and unlike Marines in basic training, he can't blow off steam by getting into a bar fight. He wants so much to go to Iraq and stick and insurgents head on a stick. So he and some other cadets "represent" at a local middle school where they turn over garbage cans and shove toilet paper down the toilet to blow off steam and show the "civilians" that they are to be respected.Hour 2Bob Green, CEO of Fraser Foods is on to talk about his unhappiness with the delivery times he is getting out of drivers who work for him. His grocery stores guarantee delivery of groceries, deli items and party platters in 30 minutes or less but his drivers are too "gutless" to drive fast in the rain ands do other things necessary to get the job done, such as drive on sidewalks, the wrong way down one way streets and through peoples yards. Isaac Taylor...now there was a driver. Even though he ran a family of three off of the Ortega Highway, killing all three at the bottom of a ravine, he got a deli platter delivered on time.Hour 2Mr Steven Bosell with another lawsuit. This one is against, incredibly, his five year old nephew for pointing at Steve's "lower body" and saying "shooting blanks" because that's what the little guy heard his aunt talking about. Steve is sure the kid is trying to humiliate him as a way of getting back at Steve for being drunk behind the wheel the night his father died 4 years ago. Steve is trying to "come at" the kid so the kid knows "it's on" in case the kid has anything in mind that's a bit heavier, like sitting in his car seat behind Steve all innocent and then suddenly driving a pencil into Steve's medulla.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Hour One:Justin McElroy, high school junior, came on the show to explain the the kid in Minnesota who shot up his school was exhibiting some kind of Native American rage. According to Justin, it never would have happened had the white man not done the "Injun" wrong.Hour Two:Chris Norton introduces his new service "Dream Date." If you are a high school girl who ordinarily doesn't get invited to proms, he'll be your date complete with limo, dinner and, as you exit the limo for the prom, smoke "like you're walking out of hell." Chris prices on a sliding scale. The more "challenging" the date, the more expensive. How much to date Terri Schiavo? According to Chris, "four figures."Hour Three:Jeff Dowder calls in to say that Mad Hatters disease is so named because the old time haberdashers used to breath "formaldehyde" fumes while bending and shaping the hats they made and it drove them nuts. He says he knows because his friend Toby Beau told him and Toby's grandfather used to make "bowler hats for Dion O'Bannion in Chicago." Phil then talks about meeting and talking football with the former Dallas Cowboy all-pro James Washington. The Jim Rome Show features Romey choking on a piece of gum and Travis performing the Heimlich. Then Charlie calls to say he hates the Jim Rome bit that Phil just did and Bud chimes in his agreement and then David G. Hall calls to say he thought it sucked too. Logan Benson, the little five year old, calls in to say his Grandpa believes that if Michael Jackson had dealt with "those brats the same way John Wayne Gacy did" he wouldn't have the problems he has today. Phil segues from that tasteless piece of material into a discussion of his wife's basketball prowess. The show ends with the Kenny Rogers "Please Help Me Pay Off My Debt Before The Mafia Kills Me" Special.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Hour One:Cowboy Jim opens up with special guest Phil Hendrie who tells the kids he blew off a meeting with Comedy Central because they're thieves. The Ted Bell comes on to tell Phil he's blowing it not showing up for meetings with heavy cable networks. Phil waxes eloquent about how he and Maria celebrated their 8th wedding anniversary. We played a listener flashback and then Lorne Greene came on to warn spring breakers about the dangers of sharing needles. Bud Dickman read off his weekly list of NASCAR's most radical accidents. Then Danny Akoli came on with the Hawaiian Stock Exchange Report. David calls and has Phil throw Danny off the air because he finds out Akoli is Hawaiian for a-s-s. Chris Norton calls at the end of the hour to say he can dance so sexually Terry Schiavo would sit up in bed.Hour Two:Vernon Dozier's wife has been in a coma for the last 2 years. He wants to honor her families wishes by keeping the feeding tube in her but the bills are piling up and he has recently started dating a 30 something flight attendant/tennis player who is "high maintenance." He says that unfortunately he may be forced to remove his wife's feeding tube if he doesn't get a piece of his father-in-laws lucrative building supply business.Hour Three:Herb Sewells Michael Jackson Report starts the hour. Tonight Herb regales us with the story of child-molester Blanchard Hoyle who, while incarcerated with Herb at Atascadero, actually looked forward to his electro-shock treatments by skipping into the room and flopping on the gurney like it was a chaise lounge. Phil then plugs the website and mentions a picture of himself on the site that dates to the days when Phil would do the Rose Parade with Margaret and Harvey. Jeff Dowder comes on with another installment of "What Would Jesus Do?" Today's episode: What would Jesus do if the paper boy kept throwing Jesus' paper on a wet lawn instead of the driveway? Then Phil mentions how Pat O'Brien can go to alcohol rehab and still do his "Insider" show. Just tape his segments from the day room of the dry-out clinic just before they strap Pat down for his afternoon thorazine treatment.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Hour 1Herb Sewell was on to talk about the Michael Jackson case. Mister Sewell himself was locked up for "certain crimes." and thinks Michael Jackson and what he is alleged to have done is no big deal. Then at the end of the hour, as part of his therapy, Herbs shrink, Dr. Bruner, comes on and encourages Herb to sing Billie Jean and Rock With Me.Hour 2Bobbi and Steve Dooley, President and Vice President of the Western Estates Parent Teacher Organization are on to talk about the annual candy bar sale and magazine subscription drive the kids at their schools do to raise money. This year, Bobbi has earmarked some of the money raised to be used for her and Steve to take a "working vacation" in Mexico. Bobbi wants the kids to get out there and really sell so she uses, as their motivational symbol, the pine cone (please reference Mepham High School, Long Island, New York, hazing incident, 2003)Hour 3Steve found out that his ancestors owned the ancestors of a business associate who shares the last name “Bosell”. Now Steve wants to sue him for not coming to a “family reunion” BBQ.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Hour One:David Hall got on the air and screamed at Phil about having some "Irish" material on the show since it was St. Patrick's Day. So Phil brought on Father James McQuarters who sang, accompanied by a harmonica, "The Catholic Priest Blues." Tsunami Sam then came on the air and opened up with a tune called "Scott Peterson On The Last Mile." He's playing the blues until suddenly he breaks into "Danny Boy." We then ran our listener flashback and then took calls from people complaining that the streets outside the studio were shut down because of a bank robbery. So what if a teller got shot in the face? They want to get home to watch the mung they've Tvo'd. Phil then interviewed Scott Peterson who told Phil, yes, he contracted for the murder of his wife but the actually killing was done by Martin Lawrence, Bea Arthur, Jim J. Bullock and Rhea Perelman and he'll swear on a stack of Bibles that he's telling the truth. Then we had on Astrologer Kip Brown, "...the only astrologer who isn't a bald-faced liar."Hour TwoBob Green, CEO of Frazier Foods is excited about his Manager/Employee Relations Seminar that will help bring employees to a greater understanding of what managers are up against. He tells Phil that one listens with they're ears, not their eyes, so it doesn't matter that during a recent job evaluation interview he was looking at a female employees breasts and "butt." He was still listening to her so what's the big deal.Hour Three:At the top of the hour the guy that robbed the bank across the street calls in. He says he's just trying to make his way to Magic Mountain to ride the Tea Cups. Phil tells the guy the Tea Cups are at Disneyland. The guys as dumb as Dickman. Steve Gruesome's Marriage Encounters Show features Prince Phillip and Queen Elizabeth. The trouble they are having in their marriage is that Prince Phillip has commented publicly about the Queens shorts being streaked and has had the habit of sniffing his fingers after shaking hands with Camilla Parker-Bowles. Bob Bakian is in the chopper ready to report on the bank robbery but realizes he is nowhere near the scene. Then Phil tells the listeners how sweet a remote broadcast and party with the fans in Cabo would be.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Hour One:RC Collins comes on to say that as a young cadet at a military Academy, he has the right to partake in one of the military's greatest traditions: Going to the Donkey Show in Tijuana. It's something the Marines at Pendleton and the Navy seamen in San Diego have been doing for years so why can't he.Hour Two:Love Songs with Bob features love song dedications from NAMBLA members to their.....well anyway, Bob keeps playing the song "I Believe In Miracles" by Hot Chocolate. Whatever. Then Pastor William Rennick and his wife Miss Clara call in as the tune "I Believe In Miracles" is playing and the good Pastor does the Running Man, Cabbage Patch, Watusi, Mashed Potatoes and the Sprinkler as Clara does commentary. Rudy Canosa, owner of J'tiem Lingerie has a problem. Rudy, of the Argentinean love call "La-La-La," tells Phil a Muslim woman came into his shop and he was only having fun when he said to her, "Do you believe in Al-La-La-Lah?" Margaret Grey says that Robert Blake being found not guilty of killing his wife will only encourage guys like David Arquette ("a real screwball") and Brad Pitt to kill theirs. James Lipton of the Actors Studio interviews Leatherface. And then Leatherface chainsaws Lipton and takes over as host of the show. His first guest is Mickey Rourke. And he chainsaws Mickey Rourke. And then David G. Hall calls, interrupts the bit, and screams at Phil for milking it and not having any punch line. Phil says he does and all he ends up doing is having Leatherface chainsaw someone else. David is right.Hour Three:Jay Santos of the Citizens Auxiliary Police believes Easter only scares kids who aren't raised in Christian homes because its all about "some guy coming back from a dirt nap." He will be monitoring conversations in restaurants and if he hears "any of this Jesus zombie talk" he'll ask people to stop. It turns out jay is an atheist and his agenda is fairly obvious. Not that the callers get it.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Hour One:Larry Grover, newly re-invented as the "Angry Liberal" comes on to tell Phil the sad tale of being asked the question "If you are against the war for oil Iraq how come you drive a car?" Larry can't think of a good answer so he goes home troubled and perplexed. When his autistic son starts banging a spoon on the table and making barnyard noises, Larry back hands him across the kitchen floor. He blames Bush's policy in Iraq for his kid getting cuffed.Hour Two:Dorell Springfield, former pro basketball player, is on to promote his book "A Hundred Yards of Grapevine: The Disgrace Of The NBA." Dorell feels that is quite obvious with today's players wearing the newer, baggier pants and shirts and wearing "oversized shoes" that the NBA is treating them like circus clowns albeit well paid circus clowns. He believes its time for black men to say no to the NBA and "the Clown Hall Of Fame." Because Dennis Rodman was the first NBA player to color his hair and wear nose jewelry, Mr Springfield calls him "Bozo One."Hour Three:Herb Sewell, sicko turned commentator, begins the hour with his Michael Jackson Report while he is standing in line at a carnival buying kids cotton candy. Then Bud comes on to play what he thinks is cool bumper music but is just dance mix mung. Father James McQuarters, feeling guilty about his appearance on our show last night, comes on to apologize for his insensitivity to the mentally disabled attending Catholic mass. He merely wants to point out, he says, that it's tough holding the consecrated host high and then giving it to a kid whose hands are drenched with "slabber." David G. Hall then comes on to ask if there will be any end to the autism/mentally retarded material on the show he's been hearing for two nights running. Phil then announces the great news that the show will be back on the air Thursday in San Antonio. Next up is Chester Glout's Career Talk. he interviews a boogieman named Lester who likes his job just laying under a kids bed except this particular kid is a bed wetter. Then Phil mentions that he apparently smacked Comb Over Boy down so hard Thursday afternoon that 'Boy went on a weekend bender as was last seen trying to pick up Laura Corn in the hotel bar. Then we play "Flirtin' With Disaster" as a tribute to the departed lead singer of Molly Hatchet Danny Joe Brown.

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