The Media Archive

The Media Archive

The Media Archive

The Media Archive

We’ve got over 45,000 hours of content… wander at your own risk.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Hour One:David G. Hall and Dr. Jim Sadler come on the show to discuss the difference between a woman being sexually harassed by a husbands boss and when the said boss is simply groping innocently. The innocent grope, according to Dr. Sadler, may do a man's career a world of good if he can just sit back and watch it happening in a relaxed mood as if he is "looking at a sunset."Hour Two:Father James McQuarters talks about the current Lent season and how its tough "eating, sleeping and crapping a particular sermon for weeks" and then delivering it on a Sunday when there are mentally disabled people in the congregation and hearing them make loud mooing and squealing sounds. He proposes gagging them with a rag or tape.Hour Three:Darren Flew on Pet Talk interviews a cat named Ruffles that is currently living in a "cat rescue shelter." Ruffles says he was much happier out in the alley nailing every female in heat. He says the day some old lady comes into the shelter to "rescue" him and take him home, he'll go for her face. Phil then mentions how sad it is the know Heineken is going to make a "low-carb" beer. We then play a listener flashback featuring Chris Norton and how you can't really prosecute a teacher for having sex with her student....if she's hot. Then, it's the Comb-Over Boy Show. 'Boy is talking about how embarrassing it was being on the same panel as Phil at the R&R convention last Thursday and having Phil wipe the floor with him. Pederast-turned-News Commentator Herb Sewell comes on with his Michael Jackson Report and then its Buds Most Radical NASCAR Accidents, recapping the UAW-Daimler/Chrysler 400 in 'Vegas.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Margaret Grey is with the Women's Resolution Center. She comes on to explain that domestic violence in this country would decrease if women learned how to take a punch. She says they are out of condition and have lousy foot work. Women's Resource trainer Jim McDougal joins her and Margaret insists he hit her square on the chin, a knockout punch, to show how she has learned to take one. He belts her and sends her flying down some stairs. Lloyd Bonafide, a Korean war veteran and retired heating and plumbing man, reads aloud an e-mail he sent to the different media about the images of Terry Schiavo on TV and how they show the comatose woman "grinning like she just hit the lottery" Lloyd, naturally, thinks she's somehow grinning at him as if its funny being in a coma and watching Lloyd obsess over his sexual dysfunction problem. Then at the end of the hour Lloyd insists on singing "Hungry Heart" as part of his warm up before auditioning for "American Idol." Don Berman from the Channel 19 news room is on to talk about new, stringent FCC guidelines being proposed for broadcasters. He says they are welcome in light of the fact they protect children from indecent or improper material. But he cautions that once you file a complaint about a broadcaster, your name and address becomes public record and the disc jockey or talk show host you helped get fired, already working in a business with unstable people, may fuel himself on Benzedrine and Johnny Walker Black, gain access to your residence in the middle of the night, attack you in your bed and make a mask out of your flesh.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Hour One:Bobbie Dooley is incredibly impressed but not surprised that as a way of memorializing her presidency of the Western estates Homeowners Association her husband Steve has carved into the hedge on their front lawn a topiary of her enhanced breasts.Hour Two:Jeff Dowder calls to say he read a magazine article that mentioned Phil. Then David Hall calls to ask why Phil is wasting time on reading his own press clippings. He's mad at Phil for showing up for the Radio and Records Talk Seminar in character as some bumbling, half-wit. Then Bud, in practicing for a segment he is going to do on the show, plays "We Built This City' over and over causing Phil to put his hands around Bud's neck. Candice Bergantile works as a flight attendant and tells Phil that she regularly puts troublesome passengers in first class, not because they want it but because if the plane hits a mountain, being toward the front of the cabin, they are sure to die.,Hour Three:Concerned citizen Robert Greene comes on the show to tell Phil it is time for the board of health to certify the sanitary conditions of neighborhood garage sales before people visit them. He says that when he visits the average garage sale "you look at the people that are having them and you don't know what they're doing in" their homes. Among the diseases he's afraid of and where he may find them: Gonorrhea on a tricycle seat, polio on a tea cup set, typhus on a picture of someone's grandmother, shingles and other running sore producing diseases on underwear and rabies on a chaise lounge. Bud comes on to say he fears "Martian AIDS" brought back to earth by astronauts who decided to have unprotected sex with Martians.

Tuesday, March 8, 2005

Hour One:Steve Bosell, the Corona construction contractor started taking magic lessons mail-order so he could work kids birthday parties on weekends. So he goes to these kid's parties as "Magic Steve" and does his thing but the kids tell him he sucks and would rather play in the bounce house. Steve decides to sue the mother and father that hosted one of these parties because since kids are minors "they don't have the constitutional right to free speech." And the kids exercising their free speech by walking out on his boring magic show is therefore illegal.Hour TwoDavid Hall comes on to tell Phil that he has a brain tumor and isn't expected to live. When Phil gets emotional, David says he's only kidding and just wanted to "liven up the show." Then a a woman from down South calls to say she suffered a brutal rape just two months ago and there is nothing funny about what Mister Hall just did. Then her voice changes to a mans and she says "Baba-Booey!" We then played a listener flashback with Austin Amarca and had Walter Cronkite on to say Dan Rather, while being a very good friend, is queer. Lloyd Bonifide does an angry version of "Who Let the Dogs Out" and then Phil explains to Bud how Dan Rather simply got caught in the grinding wheels of the new internet style journalism and was unprepared. Herb Sewell, broadcastings only convicted child molester-turned news commentator, came on to report on the Michael Jackson trial.Hour ThreeWe open with a heavyweight championship fight between Paris Hilton and a fictional IBC champion, Billy Brewer. Brewer stops Hilton in the 4rth round with a TKO. Phil then talks boxing, more specifically watching Ali with the kids and how he tried to explain to the kids who Ali was. Margaret Grey comes on to say that after coming back from Venezuela where she had "buttock augmentation" she was sure at least one man would "have the common decency to come up to me and say 'nice butt.'" It didn't happen and Margaret thinks its because her butt is so nice, the guys don't want to offend their "flat-assed wives." Then Phil reads an e-mail from a 13 year old listener and explains why he can't exactly encourage kids to listen to his show, a decidedly adult comedy show.

Monday, March 7, 2005

Hour One:Vernon Dozier, high school football coach, math teacher and avid NASCAR fan is on to complain about the fact that even though he "pleaded" with his wife not to have to baby-sit their granddaughter while he watched NASCAR, she made him thus forcing him to split his time between watching the racing on TV and cleaning baby puke off of his brand new "Nat Nast bowling shirt." That's why, when his wife got home, he gave her hair a "playful tug till it snapped her head back" while talking to her about his ruined afternoon. As Vernon said, "Messing with a NASCAR fan is like messing with a Bakersfield chimp."Hour Two:RC Collins wants to go on a "road trip" to San Francisco with his fellow cadets from Bradley to see Nobu Uematsu, famed Final Fantasy composer" and he wants to take his mom's Lexus but she won't let him. RC laments that his friend Raul will have to drive them in Raul's Camaro but RC is reluctant to be seen in a "Beaner-mobile." He goes on to tell one of Phil's callers that when "I bring Bin Laden's head into your kitchen on the end of my bayonet and place it on your kitchen counter, you don't even have to say thank you. Just don't make me ride around in a Bean Wagon.".Hour Three:Phil reminisces about being trapped in Hollywood during the first LA Marathon. The he comments quickly on what sounds like Florence Henderson's teeth sticking to her gums in the Polydent commercial. Then Phil does a quick commentary on the Italian journalist who was held captive by insurgents and then let go. Apparently she's spending more time squealing about the Yanks that shot at her car as it was speeding out of town. Phil then observes that Kirstie Alley's Fat Actress Show is a great idea since her life and the lives of the rest of these people are far more compelling than anything they do in TV or film. We then play a listener flashback of a classic, Bobbi Dooley's Underwear. Darren Browne, program director of C93 calls in and pukes into the phone to the point that Phil says it sounds like he's morphing into "another species." Then we play a commercial for the latest film from Oliver Stone, "Farm" about Mr. Stones belief that millions of Arabs and Arab-Americans are being held incognito by George Bush and his war stooges on dairy farms across America that have been turned into concentration camps and gulags but by day still sell yogurt and margarine.

Friday, March 4, 2005

Hour One:Mavis Leonard, an elderly African American listener, calls Phil to say that Martha Stewart should still be in prison because if it were Oprah Winfrey, she's be "in the hole for thirty days and then cast down with the Sodomites." We then had a listener flashback request for the famous "Kiss The Gunner's Daughter" line with R.C Collins and Harvey Weirman.Hour Two:The hour kicked off with American Idol auditions featuring Lloyd Bonifide singing "Eye of the Tiger," Margaret Grey singing "Hello," R.C. singing "Tell Her About it" and Ted Bell singing "Manic Monday." The judges are Phil, Bud and David G. Hall. During the competition, as usual, Margaret and Lloyd almost get into a fist fight. Phil then talks about the horrifying story of a guy getting his face chewed off by a chimp and then welcomes on Steve Riesling of the San Diego Zoo who can't remember what a baboon or orangutan are called and spaces on what you call a giraffe.Hour ThreeArt Bell Coast to Coast starts the hour. General Johnson Jameson has been manipulating the brain of a monkey to see if it can communicate with humans. After General Jameson's final series of tests the monkey emerges from the gurney with a crisp, Oxford, England accent and twice the brains of Jameson and proceeds to kick the Generals' be-hind at scrabble. Phil then gives Bud more crap about his Babe of the Week, Paula Zahn and then he talks about the Italian journalist wounded in Iraq. Brass calls to say enough with the scores, he wants to hear more about Kobe's private life and then Phil closes out with a talk about how the NBA is probably the most criminal enterprise in America today.

Thursday, March 3, 2005

Hour One:We started with Harvey Weirman's Senior Chat: German Seniors Edition. Tonight's question: When you lie about why you left Germany do you say A) "Oh I left before Hitler came to power" or B) "You know, he wasn't as bad as people say he was." Phil then speculated on a remote from Cabo and then Bob Greene called in to wish Phil and Maria luck with their marriage and to say that he was very much in love with his wife until her foot fungus drove him away. Phil then interviewed Martha Stewart who told Phil the first thing she is going to do when she gets out is rape Katie Couric. Phil then talked about hacking into cell phones and how he regrets ever giving his private e-mail address to some of his friends because now they're friends are forwarding him their messed up jokes and stuff. Hal and Viola called in but stalled the plane before they could even say why they were calling.Hour Two:Herb Sewell, former psychiatric patient is on to discuss how he will keep a beautiful young teacher from possibly seducing his son. he is going to hit on her himself, have a relationship with her and take her mind off of picking up boys. Herb then goes into his own twisted criminal history with regard to children and Phil finally throws him off the show but not before he calls back and asks for an autographed c.d. Hal and Viola call back this time to tell Phil that their son and daughter in law were able to work out their problems even though the daughter in law never bathed.Hour Three:Raj Feneen came on the show to say that NASCAR wastes oil with their "stupid racing." The oil that is wasted by NASCAR is the resource of the middle east and Americans use it to race cars and go buy "Biggie fries." Phil ended the hour by saying that NASCAR is superior to any other sport because you can bring a cooler in and no dumbass fan is going to throw something on the track without the other fans around him, without warning, ending his life.

Wednesday, March 2, 2005

Hour One:Phil starts out by referencing an e-mail from some scumbag that loves his show but thinks our soldiers in Iraq are baby-killers. Then Gene and Mary Templeton's Wine Tasting Show features wines made by celebrities. Gene says the pinot noir made by Greg Norman takes like "arse." The game show, "Who Wants To Be A Human Sacrifice Follows" where a housewife allows her still-beating heart to be carved out of her chest for cash and prizes. Pastor William Rennick comes on briefly to tell Phil he and "Miss Clara" are going to Rome to see if the Pope really does go to heaven in a fiery chariot because if he does, Pastor Rennick says, "my clothes come off."Hour Two:Sportswriter Don Killgalen from the Dallas Evening Telegram is Phil's guest. He says that Wade Boggs shouldn't be in the Hall of Fame because he was so dumb that if and when kids visit Cooperstown and look at his bust, they'll be staring into his "dumb, dead eyes." He says Ryne Sandberg shouldn't be in the Hall because he was overexposed being on TV for so many years with the Cubs and people will see his bust in Cooperstown and say "him again?" He doesn't think Thurman Munson belongs in the Hall because he was too dumb to land an airplane and he doesn't think Steve Garvey belongs in the Hall because his wife, Cindy, was on television with Regis Philbin.Hour Three:Dave Oliva is a waiter at the Grand Junction Steak House in Westwood. he is also studying to be a LAPD officer. He uses "law enforcement procedure" at the restaurant by telling people to stack their dishes nicely before he brings the check. If they don't, he follows them to door and says "hey man, nice job stacking those dishes." At one point, he says people are such pigs that a family left something in a napkin and he "wasn't sure what it was."

Tuesday, March 1, 2005

Hour One:Bobbi and Steve Dooley, President and Vice President of the Western Estates Parent Teacher Organization are on to talk about the annual candy bar sale and magazine subscription drive the kids at their schools do to raise money. This year, Bobbi has earmarked some of the money raised to be used for her and Steve to take a "working vacation" in Mexico. Bobbi wants the kids to get out there and really sell so she uses, as their motivational symbol, the pine cone (please reference Mepham High School, Long Island, New York, hazing incident, 2003)Hour Two:David G. Hall pops on to tell Phil he is sick of the low-brow humor on the show and insists Phil start playing music from "Lord of the Dance." Father James McQuarters comes on to dance an Irish jig and sing a traditional Irish folk song about picking the leaves from a magical tree and "blasting up." Then we played a Listener Request Flashback and Skippy and Frank came on to do "more ground breaking radio." They were throwing kittens off a bridge. Then Phil explained how reality shows got started and how the show Cops sticks it to the real cops that are on that show by not paying them SAG scale. Pet Talk With Darren Flew features Darren taking a call from an English Bulldog named Jack who is worried that he hasn't been neutered yet and as a result is humping the ottoman in the den.Hour ThreeThe hour starts with Extreme Nudity with Jeff Dowder. This week Jeff is in La Paz Mexico jumping dirt bikes, which have bad shocks and no seat springs, nude. Phil then talked about his marriage while Bud gave him crap. The the Lord Q Movie Review Show comes on. Phil talks with Lord Q about the movie Million Dollar Baby after Lord Q takes a hit of acid. Then Phil talks some more about the Retrouvaille retreat he and Maria went on. Bud comes on to say he has a great song to introduce another segment of Phil talking about his marriage. It's "poon-Tang" by the Treniers so Phil slaps Bud. Then Dr. Jim Sadler comes on to mention the work he is doing with senior citizens. He runs "dead pools" in the various retirement homes he visits with special door prizes.

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