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Thursday, February 24, 2005

Hour One:Phil hot the air last night as "Brian Grant" of the LA Lakers and took calls from Lakers fans who wouldn't know Brian Grant from Lou Grant. For a solid hour "Brian" kept talking about Vlade Divac coming into the locker room eating a fistful of goat cheese like an apple and how Kobe is moving to his own dressing cubicle so talking to him will be like talking to a guy in a different toilet stall. Phil then went on to bust the act and explain it was him when some gang-banger from East LA started talking crap to "Brian" in order to show how dumb the guy was. After that, it was on as the whole dumb gang world started calling with threats...then magically stopped when Phil slowly explained the show....again. Oh My God.Hour Two:Phil brought on Bobbi Dooley to explain to new listeners who she was. Then Bud interrupted to tell Phil there was a guy outside who wanted to buy airtime on Phil's show named Dick Little. When Phil asked Bud what the guy was selling, Bud said Viagra. David Hall came on and both he and Bud didn't get the connection. All David knew is it was money for the show. Hal and Viola called from their plane to tell Phil they were going to Laughlin again and ask if he wanted them to put some money on a number at the Roulette wheel. Phil kept saying 16 Red but Viola couldn't hear him over the plane engine. When she finally was able to get Hal to "turn the plane down" and hear Phil, they stalled out and never did get Phil's number. We then ran a listener flashback request and then Lloyd Bonifide came back on to finish his audition for American Idol by singing "Hungry Heart" and rapping through the middle of it about how he hopes Bruce Springsteen is crippled for life in a limo accident because of his stance on the Iraq war. Steve Bosell then came on and explained who he was for new listeners.Hour Three:Father James McQuarters kicked off our third hour by saying if the Pope dies, he'd like to "throw his hat in the ring." When Phil points out the fact that the Father has various child molestation charges in his history, McQuarters says he'll "spread some juice around and grease the right palms." Phil then talks about the new "Show Lines" feature on the web page and Harvey Weirman, who quit his Law Talk feature because he was butchering words so bad the name Michael Jackson came out to sound like "Miggelee Boo-Boo," comes on to try his hand at entertainment reporting. In this segment he talks about the new Clint Eastwood film Million Dollar Baby," only his eyes are so bad he thinks it says "Mummy Baby." Then Chris Norton comes on to talk about who he is for our new listeners. Phil reads about the FCC getting slapped down in a federal court and then Vernon Dozier, the football coach closes the show. As Margaret Grey is reciting the shows credits, Bud calls her a whore and she beats him with the phone.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Hour One:Cowboy Jim opens up with special guest Phil Hendrie who tells the kids he blew off a meeting with Comedy Central because they're thieves. The Ted Bell comes on to tell Phil he's blowing it not showing up for meetings with heavy cable networks. Phil waxes eloquent about how he and Maria celebrated their 8th wedding anniversary. We played a listener flashback and then Lorne Greene came on to warn spring breakers about the dangers of sharing needles. Bud Dickman read off his weekly list of NASCAR's most radical accidents. Then Danny Akoli came on with the Hawaiian Stock Exchange Report. David calls and has Phil throw Danny off the air because he finds out Akoli is Hawaiian for a-s-s. Chris Norton calls at the end of the hour to say he can dance so sexually Terry Schiavo would sit up in bed.Hour Two:Vernon Dozier's wife has been in a coma for the last 2 years. He wants to honor her families wishes by keeping the feeding tube in her but the bills are piling up and he has recently started dating a 30 something flight attendant/tennis player who is "high maintenance." He says that unfortunately he may be forced to remove his wife's feeding tube if he doesn't get a piece of his father-in-laws lucrative building supply business.Hour Three:Herb Sewells Michael Jackson Report starts the hour. Tonight Herb regales us with the story of child-molester Blanchard Hoyle who, while incarcerated with Herb at Atascadero, actually looked forward to his electro-shock treatments by skipping into the room and flopping on the gurney like it was a chaise lounge. Phil then plugs the website and mentions a picture of himself on the site that dates to the days when Phil would do the Rose Parade with Margaret and Harvey. Jeff Dowder comes on with another installment of "What Would Jesus Do?" Today's episode: What would Jesus do if the paper boy kept throwing Jesus' paper on a wet lawn instead of the driveway? Then Phil mentions how Pat O'Brien can go to alcohol rehab and still do his "Insider" show. Just tape his segments from the day room of the dry-out clinic just before they strap Pat down for his afternoon thorazine treatment.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Hour One:It was Margaret Grey who has filmed a documentary called "The Passions of Terri Schiavo" that got things going. Margaret "desperately" wants Terri to live and went so far as to compare her ordeal with that of Jesus Christ. But the bottom line, she claimed, was that in order for the comparison to work, Terri would need to die and then, according to Margaret, "Bob Redford" would screen it at Sundance. "She dies and we go wide."Hour Two:Don Berman, news anchor, has just come out of alcohol rehab. He taped a major report on his troubles with booze but the station won't run it because there is still a lot of interest in the Terri Schiavo case. Don is resentful that everytime he turns the TV on his looking at Terri and "her bucked out teeth." He then goes on to say there's a lot of juicy stuff in his report like him having sex with the station managers 15 year old daughter. "Wouldn't you rather see a report about that than watch Terri with the beaver kisser."Hour ThreePhil kicks off with his semi-regular bitch about the fast lane jackasses that ride along at 55 despite 6 miles of traffic behind them. Bill Schaeffer is a Mall Easter Bunny who wanted to talk about being hired to be a mall bunny because he was born with rabbit ears but instead makes a plea to women standing in line to see him with infants. "Please have the common decency to change their diapers in the change rooms provided instead of pulling their log-ridden shorts off right there in line. Thank you!!" Then he slams the phone down. A listener flashback follows from Easter, 1995. "Roland's Easter House." Then Phil reads a story about a finger found in Wendy's chili and theorizes that the customer probably out it there herself. That's what's been going on, says Phil. Vernon Dozier came on to tell Phil the poker classes that he has been holding for his students have broken out into scuffles because the kids are beating him pretty good and he needs money to keep his girlfriend happy while his wife is in a coma. Phil then explains, not very well, how his show is sometimes tape-delayed in some towns. And then Jeff Dowder has his segment "Wouldn't It Be Funny" basically cancelled after he comes on with tasteless cracks about Terri Schiavo wearing rabbit ears.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Hour One:Phil's special guest is Brad Rivkind of the Rivkind Advertising Agency. He has worked up an ad campaign for one of his clients, Snow Peak Spring Water, featuring a picture of Terri Schiavo next to a bottle of Snow Peak water with the words "Blink If You're Thirsty" for magazine, television and billboards. He claims he is very much trying to focus attention on the plight of the disabled and, yes, using a little bit of humor to do it.Hour Two:David G. Hall promotes an upcoming segment of "Sing Radio," a format that is like talk radio except instead of talking, everyone is singing. He introduces Billy Meacham, a dinner theatre actor who will be the host of the segment. Billy then breaks into song, calling people wanting Terri Schiavo to die, "cold-blooded, scum-sucking killers" to the tune of "Mary Had A Little Lamb." Phil tells the story of his wife and kids flying to Vegas, going from Burbank to Ontario to Vegas because it was so windy they had to literally refuel. And with the last name "Sanchez, Maria got pulled out of line for extra security. Art Bell brings on General Johnson Jameson who shrinks himself to the size of a microbe and goes down the Popes feeding tube to find out what's wrong with him. In the Pope's stomach, The General finds a bag of black tar heroin and a picture of Joan Collins. Some old man calls in to say the squirrels outside his window are talking to him. He doesn't realize its actual the radio he is listening to.Hour Three:Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis are at Terry Schiavo bedside to see if they can't bring her around. Jerry screams "hey lady!...." in her ear. Then Lloyd Bonafide calls to say he saw an ancient Buddhist technique used in Korea to treat coma patients. The Buddhists screamed "wake up!...." in their patients ears. Vernon Dozier calls to tell Phil to quit whining about some audition he has to do for NBC in the morning. He tells Phil there are more important things in this world, like a young woman dying in Florida. Then Mavis, Steve Bosell and others all call with the same "there's a woman dying in Florida" line until Phil tells them all to get lost. Then a gas station owner calls to say he is featuring twenty-five cents off per gallon at his pumps if you can beat his retarded brother at wrestling. This prompts a Phil history lesson about Pearl Harbor, oil in the middle east and some other muddled thinking on poor Phil's part. Oh well, he has to get up early for his audition.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Hour One:The show opens with the Louis Farrakhan Fashion Show where everyone is wearing a bow tie. Then Phil talks about the My Friends Place Comedy Benefit Sunday night and how everyone was happy to be there but Bill Maher bombed anyway. Judy Horrack, the five year old girl with the voice of a 50 year old man comes on to give income tax advice. Phil blathers about bio-diesel and how its really great but realizes his credibility is shot to hell because he lied about buying a hybrid. RC Collins calls to ask what pilot he is doing right now.......and asks if he works for American Airlines.Hour Two:Vernon Dozier, a high school teacher, comes on to explain why he has to take a second job at a "sandwich" shop. His pay as a teacher is inadequate. While teaching is the worlds most honorable profession and he is still forced to stand there taking sandwich orders, he ought to be able to date someone's 15 year old daughter without explaining himself.Hour Three:Phil reads an e-mail from a soldier in Iraq who got Phil's autographed picture. Then Phil reads more of the shows funniest lines sent in by listeners. Then he talks about his weekend in Santa Barbara with Maria and somehow that spins into a rap about kids walking into the room while you are having sex with your wife. David G. Hall calls to tell Phil that he hit and killed a kid "on a tricycle" and that he is on his way to the police station to be interviewed and booked by the police. Phil doesn't believe him but David swears its true. Bob Bakian reports on the Michael Jackson case and announces a new sponsor, Old Nob Crème Soda. David calls back to say Phil has violated the FCC rules again by a having a sponsor named Old Nob Crème Soda. David call's back and swears he hit a kid on a tricycle. Phil talks about the new Media Center Podcast. David calls back again and swears he hit the kid...Phil still isn't buying it.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Hour 1: Don Berman from the Channel 19 news room is on to talk about new, stringent FCC guidelines being proposed for broadcasters. He says they are welcome in light of the fact they protect children from indecent or improper material. But he cautions that once you file a complaint about a broadcaster, your name and address becomes public record and the disc jockey or talk show host you helped get fired, already working in a business with unstable people, may fuel himself on Benzedrine and Johnny Walker Black, gain access to your residence in the middle of the night, attack you in your bed and make a mask out of your flesh.Hour 2: David G. Hall, VP of Syndication, says the one thing a man wants to hear from other men is..."My compliments on the beautiful woman you are with." David wants to make sure he hears that every time he is out with his new fiancé Gretchen. She is 5'5", 102 lbs and looks like Carmen Electra. If David doesn't hear that compliment about Gretchen, he is going to rethink their relationship. Obviously it means she is not beautiful enough.Hour 3: Vernon Dozier's wife has been in a coma for the last 2 years. He wants to honor her families wishes by keeping the feeding tube in her but the bills are piling up and he has recently started dating a 30 something flight attendant/tennis player who is "high maintenance." He says that unfortunately he may be forced to remove his wife's feeding tube if he doesn't get a piece of his father-in-laws lucrative building supply business.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Hour 1: Dave Oliva, wannabe LAPD is concerned.....the man who was going to marry the Runaway Bride might suddenly get angry with her and "backhand her like Rod Laver at the Australian Open..." If Dave is the cop responding to that call he is going to be torn: A man shouldn't hit a woman but, on the other hand, she did make him look "like a horse's be-hind in front of all of America."Hour 2: Vernon Dozier, a high school teacher, comes on to explain why he has to take a second job at a "sandwich" shop. His pay as a teacher is inadequate. While teaching is the worlds most honorable profession and he is still forced to stand there taking sandwich orders, he ought to be able to date someone's 15 year old daughter without explaining himself.Hour 3: RC Collins from Bradley Military Academy is on to say he's a cadet and unlike Marines in basic training, he can't blow off steam by getting into a bar fight. He wants so much to go to Iraq and stick and insurgents head on a stick. So he and some other cadets "represent" at a local middle school where they turn over garbage cans and shove toilet paper down the toilet to blow off steam and show the "civilians" that they are to be respected.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Hour One:Jeff Dowder calls the show with some messed up "Bill Hendrie Show" theme song....Doug Dannger reports on the new fall TV schedule including the new NBC sitcom, "Daddy, Please Don't Do That".......Darth Hall calls to tell Phil not to be so easy on prison inmates wrongfully convicted....Tsunami Sam sings a blues tribute to the new LA mayor...Hour Two: Dan Gladly from the San Diego Zoo talks about peacocks....Darth Hall calls to bust Phil about his peacock discussion with the FCC heat on.....Phil talks about the last issue of Newsweek being made of two-ply for easy reading and wiping....Dodger baseball: Rick Monday comments on how good some players look not wearing a jockstrap...Phil talks about how lonely life is as a Star Wars freak.....Phil discusses his upcoming lawsuit against the FCC....Hour Three:Vernon Dozier has a website dedicated to his Belmar Academy water polo team...filled with pictures of hunky young guys in Speedos "that might give some pre-menopausal mother a lousy thrill. Big deal."

Thursday, June 2, 2005

Hour One:Father James McQuarters is on to talk about Anysoldier.com, a great site to send things our troops need in Iraq and Afghanistan, but he winds up getting high on the air and Phil needs to pull the plug..... Phil talks about what happened to his Jag that fateful day he couldn't slow it down.... Coast to Coast with Art Bell features General Johnson Jameson searching for Frosty The Snowman.... Margaret Grey discusses the Michael Jackson case and the defense playing, as the Drudgereport said, "the Vaseline card."..... Phil attempts a bit called "Spelling Bee For The Deaf" but is critiqued by David G. Hall who says the sound effects are jacked up.... Bud's new cell phone ringer is RC Collins saying "Great show as always Mr. Hendrie.."..... Phil discusses his plan to get on one of those talking head shows wearing an eye patch and smoking a pipe.....Hour Two:Its e-mail time....Rudy Canoza calls and asks why Phil is so slap-happy tonight, laughing during bits and stuff.... RC calls and tells Phil he's been working on his "Luke I'm your father" impression...... Phil says Tom Cruise is a bible banger for Scientology.... Different religion, same kind of dickhead.....Hour Three:Vernon Dozier is on the show to say he has it on good authority that most women who receive child support money spend it on lip hair removal instead of the kids......

Friday, February 6, 2004

Vernon Dozier says high school graduations might be banned because kids might imitate the Janet Jackson nipple slip. Larry Grover says he doesn't support gay marriage between women because they're actually hetero and just can't deal with men.

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